Political Crisis and F&B Marketing…

This morning, as I turn to Facebook, as online social media is where news items are faster than Sonic the Hedgehog and usually are as accurate as lottery number predictions, I noticed this news:

“Tun Dr Siti Hasmah distributing chocolates to members of the media outside the Perdana Putra building in Putrajaya. Just minutes earlier, the interim Prime Minister was seen leaving the office presumably headed towards Istana Negara where he was summoned.”

For non-Malaysians, Tun Dr. Siti Hasmah is the permanent wife of our interim Prime Minister. I think… I don’t know, that’s not what I am going to write about. Rather than detailing deep about the current political turmoil in our country, I am better off mud-wrestling with a porcupine.

These high profile handout, of course, started with the news that His Majesty the King himself was handing out fast food to the hungry pack of media gals and boys roving around the palace for news bites….eww, sorry about that cringe-worthy wordplay.

The Agung’s generosity extended to fast food products from McDonalds, Burger King and Pizza Hut among others. The members of the media are definitely grateful as heck.

Which brings me back to my days as a member of the media, where, apart from juicy news, the best things were sweet booze and tasty food.

I became fat and later went to Rehab.

Of course, being in media has nothing to do with the fact that I did not excel to become a great journalist, but a fat alcoholic instead. It was my attitude that gave me that slip and it is another tale, we’ll chat about it over a pint and greasy chicken wings….kidding. I am kidding. Please.

Now, I find the whole event interesting in a sense because the political turmoil overshadowed that cutesy, frenemival© (friend/Enemy/Rival) gestures that excited the foodies all over Malaysia. You may have been aware of how Pizza Hut “gave its heart to its rival”, where the romance was heating up to the point that one even felt left out.

All these happened recently during the Valentine’s day, an awesome date when my son was born, which also happened to be a day that helped to unite many lovers and massacred bunch of gangsters locked in power struggle, not unlike what’s happening in the country today.

Speaking of massacres, I actually feel for my old media buddies out there. Life is not easy for them now, with a drop of a pin in the palace where most have been hanging around could be news only no one is going to hear it. Though my stint in that thankless industry did not last more than two decades, I had my share of shitty experience. Most unforgettable one was in Karachi, Pakistan (duh!), where I was reprimanded by a military officer for walking into a wrong exhibition tent. I showed my media card, which was more the reason I shouldn’t be there. I don’t know, perhaps the military officers were engaging unnatural reproductive activities with the hoofed kind.

Looking aggressive, the offier pointed out to a rather malnourished looking soldier next to him and said, “see this man?”. I saw him. He could use some protein. “He will break your back”.

Despite the ludicrous notion of me getting beaten up by a Paki Buster Keaton, my valuable pairs did shrink. Then, I opened my eyes (wait, what else did you think got shrunk?), and smiled and allowed the anorexic back-breaker to escort me out.

That is the closest I got to sustaining casualty on duty as a precious member of the media. And so, yes, media life is tough, with all that change of pace and turn of events.  It’s heartening to note that King himself spent the time to take care of the media gals and blokes. That’s Malaysian hospitality folks... when they are not swearing or honking at you on the road, or taking down (registration plate) numbers of cars involved in accidents, creating traffic jams, the usual.

Coming back to the matter in hand, it occurs to me that, well, the whole “food offering” may have started from the time when there was that “friendly” exchanges of courtesies between fast food companies.

Look, things have long been looking bleak for them. Malaysians are becoming more aware of the health and fast-food is becoming the “pariahs” of the F&B industry. Look at this example of an exchange:

Bloke: Where whould we go for lunch?

Gal: McD?

Bloke: What, with all that cholesterol?

Gal: Are you saying I am fat?

Bloke: No, I mean, it’s not healthy.

Gal: Are you saying I am sick?

Bloke: Girl, I am not saying you are Punjabi, But_

So on, so forth. My point is this: fast food industry is heading for a big crisis. This is a quote from that Business Insider news (this was two years ago, I expect things to hit rock bottom crisis-wise):

Outside of fast food, IHOP president Darren Rebelez cautioned that the “highly competitive environment” meant that growing sales required stealing diners from rivals.

See that? Stealing from rivals.

Now, back to our crisis. Don’t you see what is happening? After the Valentine’s Day exchange, the fast-food mafiosos, err, I mean, marketing people saw that nothing much was happening to spike their sales. No word-of-mouth about how healthy they are actually with paid food scientist reverse-engineering the whole health fad and issuing statement such as Whopper Burger is good for piles, so on so forth. No, it is not, save your ass.

There was an opportunity for these folks. Now is the time. Seize the day, as Robin Williams once said. Grab the opportunity. Feed the media with as much of their product as possible. Who cares about the political struggle? Make use of the King’s benevolent heart and conduct this crisis marketing as indirectly as possible.

In fact, I would even go further as to say that they even made a pact with our Prime Minister to start the whole shebang in the first place for pure marketing purposes. Come on, how much of well-shot, brilliantly-edited, poorly acted commercials can actually get you to drop everything including knickers and rush out to the fast food joint of choice?

Hah! Now you see it, don’t you? Writing this makes me hungry as heck. I feel like having Ramli Burger. I love Ramli Burger. Remember, folks, Ramli Burger is the best for you and your family, satisfaction guaranteed, in addition to being better than Whopper for your biological refuse expulsion issues.