4 Other Responsibilities for Samy Vellu So He Can Resign Soon.

We all know what is happening in MIC*, with Samy Vellu the president still hanging on to his chair, and his party ex-members forming comically named group called GAS (Gerakan Anti Samy, [Anti-Samy Movement]) which makes sense, unless you take into account that Samy also means God in Tamil. This is not new as we all know that many who have tasted power wants to cling on even if it means that they have to die and come back as Zombie, in which case I suspect Samy is.

Anyway, The Star newspaper columnist Joceline Tay wrote a nice piece in which she said:

"…American Idol judge Simon Cowell said on Thursday night as the cast toasted his last season with the reality show: 'You gotta know when to leave the party.'"

And she proceeds to advice:

"It is best to step down when you are still in control of your exit plan, when the party is still on, and not after the music has stopped"

Trouble is, Samy’s exit plan includes sacking anyone including those who sneezed during a meeting, even if the fellow is not a party member. The damndest thing is, he is leading a party that was supposed to be representing Malaysian Indian community, and I personally did a survey recently and found out that it actually represents a certain rodent family and few marsupials that respond to old Tamil songs.

Anyway, since the party itself is irrelevant to that community here, it’s about time Samy move on and do something else. Which is apt as he was recently quoted as saying that he will resign early if he is given other responsibilities. Right now, it’s not clear what kind of responsibilities these are; for all you know it might be sacking his Malay teacher or something.

So, to help him I decided to make a few suggestions on the “responsibilities” he can take on so that he can leave while the “party is still on” so to speak. Dear Samy, when you are not busy writing poetry**, you can take a look at these:

1. (Long Term) Leadership Guru

Look, the man has been a political party president for a frickin’ 22 years, a cabinet minister for 18 years and that’s a record and there has to be a reason why he hung on to his chair that long. These are my suggested programs that can help youths of today become political tyrants of the future:

a) Taking the bull by its tail: Shirking responsibilities and facing issues with your ass turned towards it.

b) Hand that bites your ass: Choosing the right deputies (wieners) and right hand wan…I mean, men.

c) Crowd Control: Get total attention during meetings and kick questioners ass.

d) Getting Away: Mistakes, mismanagement and manipulations.

e) Nepotism: Never pass on your big mouth to your political heirs.

f) Mind Your Language: Mangle your way to media’s heart.

g) Deflective Shield: How to blame everyone else.

These are merely suggestions, I am sure Samy has huge storage of experience, knowledge, anecdotes, and copies of police reports and legal suits that he can share with us. Of course, there is a trait in leadership that requires a separate title and responsibilities, and I mean becoming a…

2. Anger Management Guru.

Look, he has been there and done it. His hot temper is known from coast to coast, ocean to ocean, dust to dust, etc. Day in and day out his anger knows no boundary , with his blood kept on boiling to the point that he has to periodically stick some dry ice onto certain orifice to cool himself down***

But I am sure there are other methods he employs to manage his anger that he can share with many of us. Let’s face it, if there are two things we cannot control, it’s anger and hunger. I say so, because they rhyme. But anger destroys, and Samy knows that too well. Some of the programs I suggest for Samy to share with us:

a) How to control your anger by sacking someone.

b) How to postpone your anger by sacking someone.

c) How to sack someone to control your anger and postpone it.

d) How to control someone by postponing your anger and sacking it.

Wouldn’t it be awesome, if we learn about fire from the fireeater himself. Samy can help to bring good mood and humour in your life. Which brings us to…

3. Standup Comedian (in Malay)

Samy’s mangling of the Malay language is legendary. I am sure one day someone will write the tome, Hikayat Samy Vellu, with students arguing whether or not it’s based on the real man, because the amazing amount of language goofs in it. The author of this blog post have similar doubts too but let me assure you that most of it are true.

So, all samy has to do is just stand (or sit, depending whether he had just shoved the dry ice) and respond to queries. It will have audiences in stitches, and Samy would have finally found his real niche. Which brings us to…

4. Hair Transplant Ambassador.

Contrary to what folks think, that thing on his head is not a shrink-wrapped dead Siamese cat. They are actually follicles as a result of Hair Transplant, Extreme CombOver™ and industry strength Glue (let’s abbreviate it to HTECOG). I, especially, know this well having had the capability, since I am balding myself and have watched many Sean Connery movies, to differentiate real hair, wigs and doormats. So, those real hairs has been on that head for around two solid decades now, and Samy has been unfairly ignored as a great maintainer of tresses that is probably transplanted from his armpit.

It’s time to give him that credit and I suggest Samy approach any leading hair transplant service provider and offer himself to be the ambassador for the industry. He can preach the virtue of HTECOG to balding males, as opposed to those spidery combover that terrifies even adults, much less small children and wigs that looked like dry cow poop. Since there are just one too many balding males, at a mature age, it’d be easy for everyone to relate to Samy as a fellow baldy who recovered with HTECOG.

***

So, there you go, Samy. Pick up one of these responsibilities or all of them and resign. Let the others deal with the bothersome business of managing a political party and take on one of these responsibilities. And fast, because your expiry date as Zombie is nearing.

*(For non-Malaysian reader) That’s a Malaysian Indian party, abbreviation of Malaysian Indian Congress…any links with Mahatma Ghandi is purely coincidental. Some of the members want the president to resign, like, now.

**True. He writers poem to the newspaper that is linked with him, Tamil Nesan. The poems may be about as creative as a five year old, at least they rhyme.

***I read it somewhere. Either that or I made it up, not sure.