Fasten and Furious.

Sometimes back, some of you may have stumbled on this news I am going to share. If you have, hope you picked up your ass, as stumbling can be bad for your rump.

Anyway, here’s the news:

Cops nab man trying to break into ATM with paper clip

“A 27-year-old man who attempted to break open a bank's Automated Teller Machine (ATM) with a paper clip was caught red-handed by police following a tip-off at a bank along Jalan Perbandaran in Tawau.”

"He picked up the paper clip from the garbage bin. After he failed to open it, he forced it open with his hands," (a cop) said, adding that the suspect chased away people trying to enter the bank.”

Now, I am sure that this particular question would bug the most of you, especially the learned ones: “was his hand red?”

I can’t answer that question, but I can surely tell you this: he didn’t chase the people away by waving the paper clip at them. Because these days, even if you hold a .44mm Magnum, and cock it, a regular Facebook commentator will brush it off as fake.

Anyway, paper clip has come a long way since I used them to pick my nails and tooth (I heard your “eww..”, it was not in that order. I think.).

Apparently, paper clip is a Norwegian invention. There is a giant seven-meter high paper clip in the town of Sandvika, to commemorate the national symbol and its inventor, Johan Vaaler. You know, in any case Godzilla decides to relax there after having a meal at the UN summit and decides to pick a piece of Donald Trump off its fangs.

But first, there are few types of paper clip that is widely used. You can open the drawer and clear all the content on the floor…yes, good girl, then pick that paper clip stuck on the corner. The bright one you lost many years ago. No…don’t bring it to your teeth, read on first.

That, my dear friends, would be the current design, which is different from the first design ever. 

Kinda like how Trump is different from Lincoln. This is called the “gem” paperclip, which is described as “elongated model with parallel sides and two incomplete loops of wire”. It may sound like your men’s neurological complication, but you know what I mean.

For historian wannabes, it’s troubling to note that nobody knows who invented it. Like, duh, who cares, right? I mean, why would we want to imagine that some guy in lab coat suddenly had a cartoon light bulb over his head, then decided to bent a long tiny piece of metal and goes, “voila!” and tells his colleague that it can be used to hold their lab thingy paper together…after which the colleague uses it to burst the light bulb.

Here’s quick boring fact from that site:

“The patent granted to Samuel B. Fay in 1867 is often cited as the first patent of the paper clip, but its design was not intended primarily for papers…. was intended to replace the pins used to attach pieces of paper to clothing, especially the most delicate fabrics such as ‘silk, lace and all the finer class of goods, without injury or leaving the slightest trace upon the goods when removed’

That clip can be found on shirts that are sold folded. You threw them away, didn’t you? Because you couldn’t pick your teeth with it?

If you are wondering how old the proper paper clip is, well they provided this proof. See this:

That is not a blueprint of a revolver or Iron Man’s dental floss. It’s a humble paper clip.

Anyway, moving on, a company called Gem Manufacturing Ltd (England) first designed the double shaped paperclip that we are familiar now. That’s where it got its name from. Gem. Don’t go around telling people that you got Gem paperclip. Economy is bad and you can’t afford that medical bills.

So, more than just a clip that holds paper, paperclips have had its shot in being significant in history, though not as significant as a, say, .44 Magnum or Queen Victoria’s nostril hair tweezer. You see, during the World War II, Norwegians were prohibited from wearing any buttons with the likeness or initials of their king on them. 

In protest, they started wearing paperclips. Why, you may ask. Wait, I didn’t give you permission to ask question. Oh, never mind. The reason being, the paperclip was an invention (Norwegian own, remember) that was designed to bind things together. It was a protest against Nazi occupation, and a paperclip on you could get you arrested (they still do, like the unfortunate ATM thief mentioned above).

So, the paperclip does not necessarily just be used on papers alone. Like nail clippers that was used to chip off the wall by my guruji Clint Eastwood in Escape From Alcatraz. Some of us use the very thin rod on various devices, like smartphones where you can use it to eject the SIM card, which falls off and is run over by a pickup truck. You know what I mean.

In fact, way back then, 1958 to be precise, they did a survey as to its uses. And the folks of the 50s used it as toothpicks, fingernail and ear cleaners, fasteners for nylon, bras and blouses, tie clasps, chips and markers in games, chains and childish weapons. Bra and blouse fasteners, eh??

In some movies, you may have seen it being used as lock-picking device. Go ahead try it. You will be arrested for trying to break into your own home. And wait, that’s not all…you can use it to unfasten your handcuffs. I tell you, the cop will be so impressed that you will be given a bigger hole to pick in your dungeon.

But the goddamndest thing of all, is the simplicity of the design. It’s just three turns of the wire, and you can secure a stack of paper. You can do that yourself. Just grab a thin piece of metal, twist it three times and voila… you know that certain things are better left with professionals, like professional bra fasteners (any vacancies, bro?).

But for a younger paperless (as it!) generations, paper clip is that thingy you find in Microsoft Word. You know the one. The one that makes you want to blow the monitor into smithereens (wear safety glasses). It’s called Clippy. Yes that arrogant looking SOB that seemed to be helpful bloke or something.

Sure, it was supposed to help you, but what happened was this: it has turned many harmless office workers into marauding carnivours. It has the knack to just keep popping up and annoy the heck out of you. It has since been on retirement (somewhere in 2007) and is probably doing guest lecturing tour or whatever former famous persons do.

So, there you go. Say what you must, but paper clip has come a long way and is here to stay. Especially I need to fasten my…err…never mind.