Prelude: I am no stranger to Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim’s speeches, though I believe he is chummy with mine…in case he wants my vote. Apart from the usual clips on TV news, after leaving school, I had direct experience of watching him give speech during a dinner function. It was a comfy event with minimal select group (my uncle was with a defence/politics strategy think tank organisation, hence my being there with him). I was blown away on how educated Anwar was, mostly listening him to spout quotes from various intellects and their books to support his points. I was 19 then. Now, I was thinking, being jobless and all, that maybe I should take a crack in becoming a political speech writer. Good moolah, better use of creativity and best living imaginable, especially so if your boss is as bent as his phallic treasure.
Here is something I would write for Anwar to canvass support for his wife in the upcoming election in Kajang. The points in parentheses are my notes for him, just, you know, he is in the right direction…End of Prelude.
Prelude is sponsored by Artificial Intelligence Lubricant: AI Lubricant, Glide Your Way In.
Remember, the notes within the brackets are my notes/reminder/instruction for him.
This will be the last speech before the rakyat (don’t say “people”, “rakyat” is the preferred word, just like innocent Mee Goreng, instead of Fried Noodle that comes with knowledge that it has enough cholesterol to give a T-Rex heart attack)go out voting for the Kajang constituency.
Yes, the last speech to garner your support to vote for my partner, Miss…I mean, Datuk Seri Wan Azizah, who have been with me through thick and thin and touched me (don’t touch your cheek; you know, I know, so leave it) with her dedication and strong will during trying times.
Let’s talk about Kajang. We all know what Kajang is famous for, the satay. Yum, stick it in the back of the flesh, like really deep (don’t get emotional here if it all comes back to you) and grill it. But I am not here to talk about cooking show (pause here, there will be roar of laughter from a bunch of blokes and gals we will be providing and to whom we will show signal as to when to laugh) but what is cooking in Pakatan Rakyat’s cauldron (seeing that many may not know that word, say it anyway to make you look smart), a cooking pot that is, which is meant to be served to the Kajang folks.
In a book called Gastronomy: An Insight on Gaseous Intestine and the Use of Methane, Jamie Oliver Cromwell noted that the best way into others heart is through the stomach. Which is weird, because the food does pass by the heart to reach stomach, huh? Huh? (pause again for audience laughter, if none, scratch your nose and proceed)
Speaking of food, there have been snide remarks on how Kajang constituency looks like that extinct bird, Dodo, on the map. What piffle statement is that? Add the letter “L” to Dodo, and it becomes Dodol, a sticky, gooey delicacy (pause for laughter from ‘audience’ and scratch your arms while you wait).
But should Kajang be satisfied only with the satay? How about the development here? The basic structure?
In his milestone book, Erections of the 21st Century: Stimulating buildings and pulsating towers of the future, by John Cocksure, the author noted that, and I quote, “the orgasmic achievement by a towering erection is measured by the deepest involvement of the owner”, the owner he meant was the rakyat ourselves. If we are elected (elected, not erected, careful), we will definitely fill this city that has not been receiving any attention due to lack of landmark, despite the apartments and condominiums (condo-minium, not condom-minium, be careful) with awesome buildings and towers and gigantic appendages that will compensate our (not ‘my’) shortcomings (not ‘short-cumming’).
The ruling government pays too much attention in seeking attention of the voters, who are adult, that they tend to ignore the children. If you vote for us, rest assured, we shall make sure that the small ones are generously feted with toys, and especially, dolls from china. For boys, we have manufacturers from the US which is currently working on an action figure, called Super Anwar, which is designed to win cases in toy courts, judged by the evil Wig-Man, and defended by a toy non-action figure lawyer in wheelchair and Super Anwar is always saying, “Hi man!” in Jamaican accent.
I shall not take away the limelight from the star of this election. Be focused, and vote wisely. The future of Kajang is in your hands which means we decide what you do. Adieu and to quote Edgar Allan Poe when he conquered Monggolia, “I’ll be back”.