Tuesday, April 05, 2011

The Hub Awards 2010: Sports

I participate in an online forum called The Hub, populated mostly by Tamizh speaking members from all around the world. You can learn more about it here.

Anyway, every year they nominate films and individuals for awards, not sure they are given away personally, but hey it’s awards. This time I had the honour of making announcements through posts and the best part, in my own style, and here they are in case they get lost in the cyberworld. Note that I am being especially nasty towards the popular one, so don’t get offended. Special Thanks to my buddy NOV (Velan) who is one of the moderators there who was masochistic enough to give me this opportunity.

Sports Category

Best International Football Team.

Yes, I will be your presenter today. Here we go:

I think it goes without saying that Argentina has been the best for many years if not for severe suicidal bombings by Brazil fans in the respective embassies.

Anyway, joining Maradona’s team this year in the nomination list would be “endearing” Spain, “cybernetics” Germany, “it’s not hand of god dammit” England, “neither here or there”Nedherlands, “Pickled” Uruguay, “Folksy” Gana and “we are not Uruguay's evil twin sister”Paraguay. Brazil gets kicked out for technical reason. Okay, that was a joke. They are in. Defuse that bomb. Please.

Winner: Spain

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Bowler of the year

Mods (Moderators) wanted me to announce this category despite the fact that the only thing I know about cricket is that it makes noise by rubbing its hind leg. Anyway, when mods tell you to jump, you shouldn’t ask, “who’s coming for tea”

The nominees are Dale Steyn, Graham Swann and Harbhajan Singh who was last seen reading news in our national TV station. No?

Alright, then we have James Anderson (Sam's evil brother), Morne Morkel, R Ashwin. Hey, my heavy metal buddy….what’s he doing here. Add to the list, you have Ryan Harris, Shakib Al Hasan,Steve Finn and Zaheer Khan who’s either sibling to Salman, Amir or Shah Rukh Khan. There, I just did a religious stereotyping crack. Sue me.

Winner: Dale Steyn

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Footballer of The Year

What exactly is the criteria for this award is not exactly known. According to a mysterious source, the main criterion includes looking good in shorts, but she may be speculating

Since sport is boring for me, I shall not talk much. Leading the list is Xavi Hernandez , followed byAndres Iniesta, Iker Casillas, Wesley Sneidjer and Lionel Messi.

Then you have Diego Forlan, Thomas Mueller, David Villa, Miroslav Klose,
Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi.

That’s about it I guess. Did I mention Lionel Messi? I did huh? Sharp aren’t you?

Winner: Messi

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Batsman Of the Year

If you have just the best Batsmen of all time, I think the result for this poll is easy, it’s Michael Keaton dammit!!

Oh wait, right. It’s that damned cricket again, you folks treat it like religion don’t you?

So, big on this list is Sachin Tendulkar who might as well start a religion called Sachinologist or Tendulkarian, so many eager members here.

Then we have names Virendar Sehwag, Hashim Amla and Thilan Samaraweera. Who are these people, why they are in this list, and what is their significance in this existence called The Hub is a mystery currently being processed by the ministry of propaganda at the bunker. I don’t know what I am talking about but you will get the idea if you go immediately to your pharmacist.

Next on we have Virat “the chicken” Kohli, Jonathan “the deep” Trott, and Ian “Idea Mani” Bell.

The last three names include JH Kallis, AB de Villiers, VVS Laxman, those initials owing to extremely lazy parents.

Winner: Sachin

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Best Football Team - Premier League

Somehow the Premier League has captured the hearts and minds of everyone in this world except the US, which is enamoured by a game where some guys carry a ball around, with their own pair protected considering they are wearing something that’s designed to ram a goddam tank.

So, here we have who’s who of football world. First in the list, Manchester United, which club’s fans think that by becoming one they sit on the right side of god when actually they are more annoying than those damned noisy pigeons that sit by your window sill in the weekend morning.

Of course, you have Chelsea which I am fond of because the literary James Bond lives there. AndArsenal, the poor blokes always get the butt end of the jokes, if you know what I mean.

Then, there’s Liverpool which I am not allowed to make a crack about because I’d like to sleep on the bed, thank you dear.

My beloved Tottenham Hotspur makes it to the list because of my one frickin’ vote, thank you mods. Next you have clubs that earn living by gambling pools, like Blackpool, selling hams, likeFulham, and selling sundries like Sunderland. God bless you guys if you are not relegated soon.

Last but not the least you have Manchester City forever hidden by the gigantic winds broke by Man United, and Everton which unfortunately is so insignificant I don’t know what crack to make of this club, except that it reminds me of Oliver Twist during the porridge scene.

Winner: Manchester United

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Best Cricket Team

With all the excitement going on with the world cup it is without doubt this award would be of a great concern to many Malaysians.

Haha, who am I kidding. Malaysians know cricket like Americans know humility. If cricket match were the only thing that can help disputes among the participating countries instead of guns and bombs, then the entire world might as well switch off everything, announce the end of global warming, curl and die. It’s that intense.

First, we have the usual suspects of the cricket world, like India, England South Africa and Pakistan.

Then we have the unusual suspects of the cricket world on the account that I don’t have much to talk about, like Sri Lanka and Bangladesh, completing the South Asian Category.

Next on are the lands of barbie and bad English accent, Australian, New Zealand and West Indies.

Whoever wins and gets the Hubs attention will spend lots of sleepless nights wondering that the hellSoftsword is and why a forum member would have enough low self esteem to call itself Plum.

Winner: Duh….India

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