Thursday, January 06, 2011

Common New Year Resolutions You Should Quit Thinking About.


It’s the first week after new year, and boy are you tired of responding to inquiries about your New Year resolutions. This would be typical scenario:

Friend: Hey, what’s your new year resolution, bro!

You: First to lose weight, then_

Friend: I didn’t ask your Ten Year Plan.

See what I mean. Common new year resolutions are just that, common. You got to stop thinking up the same resolution every year that you forget three months down the road. So, you have only two days before the week is over and here are the resolutions that I suggest you lose fast and I’ll tell you why:

Losing weight.

It’s a myth. Can you remember the number of times you told yourselves that you are going to lose weight, and making much attempts, you actually lose some weight, and, you felt happy about it, went on celebrations binge, and end up looking like Jabba the Hut’s bigger brother? Yeah you know what I am talking about.

Remember attempting to lose weight is not a resolution item. It should be your lifestyle, like playing warcraft or picking up kids from school, or do certain archeological activities inside your nose. Saying that it’s going to be your resolution over and over every year till one day you realise that they are wheelchairing you to the loo in old folks home is not going to help with things. Especially when they need a forklift to do that.

So, think of some activities that can you can practice for the rest of your life, when it comes to eating correctly. Like eating sparingly, and get your wife or partner to bitch-slap you each time you help yourself that extra portion. Make sure you sign an MOU on that plan.

Quit smoking.

When I asked a friend what his resolution was, he said, resignedly, “the usual, quit smoking” almost as if he was complaining about KL traffic problem. Duh! Guys saying that they are going to quit smoking have the same honesty and sincerity as the guy who says, “really honey, it was just one drink,” when all the wife heard was, “runny want rink”.

Even the president of the might US of A is having issues quitting smoking as I write this. Maybe he has already, but does that mean you have to be in highly powerful position, and in full view of the public to quit smoking? I bet when Obama finishes his two terms, or kicked out after this term, the first thing he does is to take one big puff of Marlboro, the red one. Okay, maybe after he signs a gazillion dollar contract to write a biography, and then that one big puff.

As per the weight loss thing, this is your life man. I recall reading an Ian Fleming book where Bond declares to a chick that he is an authority on quitting smoking. Why? “Because I do it often” he says. So, you want to be an authority on quitting smoking? Good luck, I’ll see you after several burnt lungs later.

Get organised.

Yeah, I can see your desk that looks like not only tornado struck, but was trampled on by couple of bulls while doing their business, and immediately followed by a wild mongoose-snake fight turned into inter-specie sex. Wait, that’s my desk.

And what about time management? Yours truly’s time management is about as organised as a stray dog’s meal time. One way of getting organised and manage your time well is to use this Big Rock concept by Stephen Covey.

In a demo I saw in a video presentation, the bald leadership guru who looks like Telly Savalas' evil twin, as if Savalas is not looking creepy enough, asks a girl to fit in some big rocks inside a bucket full of pebbles. The rocks being important activities and concerns in life. She struggles of course, pressing and attempting to screw the rocks (important thing) into the pebbles (wasteful activities). He then helped by producing another bucket, where the girl immediately placed the big rocks on it first, and then poured the pebbles. First thing first.

But then, why the hell didn’t he tell about the other empty bucket. In life you get only one bucket, so start screwing the rocks in. All the best.

Strenghten your relationships with family and friend.

Look every year you gain new friends and family member, you also lose some friends and family members. Of course, most often than not its good riddance.

These are the days of email, skype, text messages, social networking etc. So, why worry, you are always in touch with your friends and family. Need to keep an eye on birthday wishes? Facebook can do that for you. Need to let wife know that you’d be late home without her nagging at you? Just text message. Need to tell your buddies that if they don’t confirm their presence for the upcoming reunion, send an email blast to all of them saying that those who does not turnup will be referred to, at that event, as something that rhymes with nick-beds.

I am going to be philosophical now. Look, we come to this world alone, and we leave alone. You can’t even take your EPF and insurance money when you shuffle off the mortal coil. Unless you fake your death, but that is a subject matter for a different article.

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