Monday, August 03, 2009

Manly Gifts

A query from a pal of mine asking what gift is suitable for men triggered me to write this piece. Also, there is nothing much to do so I decided to torture you with, yet, another informative; fact filled posting about…gifts for men!

It is not true that men dislike gifts, because it makes them feel obligated to, for example, wash the gift giver’s toilet. It’s totally untrue unless you are married. No, we guys welcome any gift even it’s a tiny cactus in a tiny pot and can still prick you, that little bastard. But we sure know how to show our appreciation.

Take me for instance. Few months ago, my fiancé bought for me the latest U2 album that came with a limited edition T-Shirt! I was overjoyed and, to borrow the expression from Allison Doody, was “giddy as a school boy”. To show my appreciation I played the CD over and over and over and over and over again, until at one point my future wife wanted to stab me with the dashboard cigarette lighter.

For the knotty men

So, here’s me an amateur expert in buying men’s gift. Let me begin with the most common but useless gift – a necktie. That neckties have no practical value still intrigues me till today. You cannot eat it, and you cannot dip it in boiled water like tea. You cannot use it to lift heavy objects, nor can you ever click on it instead of the remote control. A necktie or a tie as it is known to most of us except the Thais, is coiled around the neck like a slim python and hangs down with its sharp end pointed at the groin. Some sort unsubtle hint about men’s penile & phallic fascination? I bet the inventor of the tie is a woman.

Anyway, you ladies can get your men a new tie. My misgiving nevertheless, I know very much that like shoes for women, ties are great conversation makers. “Nice tie, where’d you get it?”, a co-worker would ask. “I had tie like that once, but it was eaten by my dog?”, the supervisor might remark. Or a pal might say, “Is that pasta sauce on your tie?”

But it’s a bad idea if your male friend already has loads of tie. You know, they have a drawer full of them that one extra tie could trigger all of it to jump out and strangle your friend. “Men Strangled by His Own Ties: Suspects Found in Raoul, Starhill,” is not a headline you’d like to read.

Other apparels include socks, which will remind him to not to forget to wash his current ones, and cuff-links, a totally useless invention now that we have buttons but especially favoured by salesmen who still have not met their sales quota.

BO need not mean Box Office.

If you had nixed necktie as the perfect gift for the dude, here’s something else that can come in handy – perfume. A guy can be the most careful, immaculate, hygienic and sharp in his dressing and all; but once he starts to sweat like a pig (do pigs sweat?) he would emit enough odours to send water buffaloes to demonstrate in the city centre.

I, in particular, have this warm body that can’t take higher temperature and sweat freely. This fact is further evidenced by the…err fact that several times, after work, while driving my fiancé home, I’ve received the “Eww…” sound from her, and after rummaging her handbag, she’d spray her perfume at me. That’s a horrible thing to do. “Hey!” I’d yell, “That’s a girlie perfume. Now I smell like a Strawberry Shortcake doll”. That really annoys her because now she would want to know what relationship I had in the past with Strawberry Shortcake dolls.

My point is this: get the man man’s perfume. You know the ones that come with advertisement showing well built topless men with constipated look? Yeah, those ones. These perfumes still smell like sweat, but of better quality. Sometimes I suspect it is made from sweat derived from those very models in the ad. Now you know why they have that look.

Toys for Boys

It’s even easier if you have enough dough and your male friend or partner is a, basically as it is known scientifically, a techno geek. Or a nerd. Or basically the kind of jerk that keep spouting about the latest app for their iPhone or that he passed the Vapour of Evil level with their Death Skullhead game, or thinks Star Wars Episode One was god’s gift to mankind. Usually, I’d ask you to avoid him like H1N1, but you asked for it.

So, you know what to get for them. Surfing the net you can find the latest, coolest gadget that you can get for your guy friend if it’s worth it. Trust me, it’s not, cause they would have upgraded the gadget to the next version (version 3.1XKWRPIVVXX Cro-Magnon) between the time you purchase it and give it to that jerk. It’s not worth it. I don’t even know why I suggested this in the first place.

Anyway, these are just ideas of what to get for your male friend/partner/spouse/jerk. Also, remember that you can’t expect guys to reciprocate except that they will say “thanks” and go back wearing old tie, smelly socks, and sweat freely and lookout for the next killer apps for his phone that he keeps looking at when you are talking to him. As I said, you asked for it!


premmathavan said...

she bought you the U2 album or u asked her to buy for you.

Rakesh Kumar said...

Adapaavi dey, I ain't a bully. She volunteeredlah. She knows that I am a U2 nut.

dagalti said...

The symbolism of the necktie is indeed intriguing.

The tragicomic part is when they assume the necktie or cufflink is the perfect gift.

She: I bought you the perfect gift
He: Great...let me get the glasses

Rakesh Kumar said...

Hehe. It's like the best film, a perfect gift has never been invented yet.

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