Headlines and impressions.

There are those of us who read newspapers, and then there are those who don’t. There are those who read news online, either the mainstream ones or the alternatives, and then there are those who don’t either. The “don’t” type usually gets their news from text messages.

Anyway, those who do read either the physical paper or online, are bound to sometimes just scan headlines. I do too…not because I am in hurry or what…just plain laziness. So, what impression do they give? How much can a headline tell you? I decided to give my own interpretation from the headlines taken from The Star online:


Retrenchment ‘the last resort’

The government has identified a location, to be called, Retrenchment as last tourism resort if all tourism resorts in the country are closed down.

A spokesperson for the tourism ministry who refused to be identified but goes by the moniker groucho070 in illegal online forums, said Retrenchment will have “any goddamn thing you bl**dy tourists want, including spa that has fish eating your dirt or whatever”.

In a telephone interview, groucho070 said Retrenchment will also feature a water park complete with the Loch Ness monster in it. “Yes, Nessie will make its appearance. We haven’t got any confirmation from the Bigfoot though,” he said.

No further information was available when the phone line was disconnected after what appeared to be some sort of struggle over the other side of the line….


Tunku Imran resigns over Bruce Willis issue

Tunku Imran has resigned from the Petra group after being “fed up” with Bruce Willis.

“I mean, how many Die Hard film is he going to make” he said, reacting to a recent rumour that the Hollywood star may film a fifth instalment of the famous action franchise.

“And why was he bald in the fourth one. He had hair in the first three Die Hard films,” he said, adding that he will no longer watch any of Bruce Willis films and hoped that the Malaysian public will do the same…


Rear-seat dilemma for parents with four children

Not enough with global and local economic uncertainties, Malaysians are now faced with issue concerning the rear seat, especially for parents with four children.

According to parents with four children, rear seats in cars have been giving them many problems ever since the fourth child was born.

“How come parents with less or more than four children never have problems with rear seats,” asked Sam E. Velu, a father of two boys, a girl and specie yet to be identified by scientists.

Among the problems given by the rear seats include, refusal to seat the passengers, instant deflation causing springs to hurt the children’s rear and also constant cry for milk…


No decision yet on extending live telecast

The Information Ministry has not decided on extending the live telecast of the parliament’s proceeding.

A spokesperson said that it is already concerned with the content of the program which is described as “not only is one of the most boring show next to Teletubbies, but its content is lewd, gross and full of bad language.”

He added that the show might even be pushed to late night in order to not have children “exposed to that kind of language that a typical member of parliament tends to resort to during outbursts”.

“In fact, we are seriously considering 18SG rating for it,” he added….


Ampang Jaya OCPD shoots down claims

In what appears to be another security triumph, Ampang Jaya OCPD managed to shoot down “claims” that has been terrorising Ampang Jaya.

The “claims”, nick name for a monster made up of police reports made by politicians during the last few months rose when the stack of reports suddenly took a life of its own.

“After the March 8 election, every Tom, Dick and Harry politicians have been making police reports claiming thislah, and thatlah. That is what they claim; we don’t know what is happening actually,” said Inspector Ahmad “The one-eyed shooter” Khalid.

He said, somehow the reports got together, managed to get a life of its own and was terrorising Ampang Jaya residents, making threatening noises and even stealing a street corner Nasi Lemak vendor’s Nasi Lemak.

“The last act of terror was the reason why we decided to shoot it down,” said Ahmad…


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