The Art of Correspondence In The Age of Emojis.

“It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous.”

The above was attributed to many writers; some say it was by humorist (one of my major inspirations) Robert Benchley, and some quarters say that it was by Mark “the Mustache” Twain.

After almost two decades of writing, only now do I have an itsy bitsy of confidence in my writing and have actually started liking some of it, especially at this blog site. A bit. Therefore, I feel safer now to disseminate some tips, advice, or guides on the craft of writing. Also, I suck at everything else, including admin, accounts, and missile gyroscope settings.

I was prompted to write this when, just now, my colleague asked how he would write something to tell off the other party, but diplomatically.

That brought up the question: How do you deal with thorny issues in email or other forms of social media correspondence? Emailing is still prevalent in the corporate world, though other social media apps are taking over, making conversations more and more informal and requiring much time spent decoding the gibberish sent. Okay, not all have this issue, but I do. I write with long hands and often grapple with messages that look more like broken, pre-cooked instant noodles.

Let’s take this scenario. Your client says he or she is canceling the previous order because someone snitched on you and told them that you sniffed glue or something. How do you respond to that? Fret not, here’s a sample:

Dear Ms. or Mr. (whatever you use to address LGBTQrstuvwxyz),

I humbly accept your cancellation of the order. I understand very well that you did that in opposition to my personal habit of involving the respiratory system and squeezable stationery.

But I beseech you: please do not let the wonderful service provider/client relationship hit the iceberg of cancellation. We had a great time together, with you supplying the product and you paying through both of your nostrils (note the preoccupation with sniffing here).

Indeed, I am now on both knees, typing on the laptop on the floor, begging you not to let go of our services. A lot can be done for you while I am on my knees.

Note that you have humbled yourself to the point where your client starts feeling guilty and decides that the only act of repentance is to forgive you and continue the business relationship. Also, he or she might take it the wrong way, especially the last sentence, and would reciprocate with a sexual harassment lawsuit.

In any way, you have been diplomatic despite the severity of the issue. But what if you want to tell off your client in the nicest possible way, not to hurt him or provoke him into using a voodoo doll against you? Diplomacy, tact, and loads of humility come to play again.

Dear Mr. XXX (not Vin Diesel, but you can imagine him here),

Allow me to first inform you that I am of the lowest creature, even less than Spirulina, a consumable bacterium with a girl name. It is not my place to find fault in you or your organisation.

However, and pardon my tenacity in doing this, we found that you owe us several months of payment, which is up to RM 767.85 to be paid one cent coins as promised.

This showed that despite our kindness, you treat us like an aging cow, milking us our products and services till we bled from our t_, err. You get what I am saying.

Despite indulgence in fantasies involving the wringing of your neck, we still have hopes of feeling Rm 767.85 in coins in our pockets. But now, we can only feel a bunch of organic stuff there. Hence, we would truly appreciate it if you could settle the outstanding amount immediately, or we shall activate the bomb planted at your office’s underground parking during lunch time in kind consideration of others.

I'm awaiting your response.

Yours humbly.

See, it’s not difficult. We Malaysians follow the Budi Bahasa concept, as taught in primary school. Of course, Malaysians become nasty as they grow older and nastier netizens, but in real life, we are just chickens and have to resort to being tactful and diplomatic.

But what if things have gone south, milk has turned sour, grapes have become raisins, and goats have become mutton varuval? What are you to do? What if the client slaps you with a lawsuit? Can you slap him back with your hand on the account that's cheaper?

No, it’s time for another tactful, diplomatic, very PRish piece of content:

Dear YYYY,

I have received the notice from your side and found many grammatical and spelling errors. Therefore, I don’t understand jackshit. I don’t know what you are saying. I saw some courts, suits, and all that. All I can say is that I don’t wear suits to basketball courts. Forget it, man, whatever you want to tell me. I don’t know.

Yours brilliantly.

What if the client himself turns up with a briefcase and a rat poison-carrying lawyer (his sustenance)? What do you do?

You can go back and pen another query letter as to their sudden presence.

Dear YYYY,

Imagine my surprise when, this morning, I opened the door and there you were. This was without warning, and in as much as a notice ahead of your visit. The guy next to you must be a lawyer, as I judged by the forked tongue he used to lick a fly off his face.

At this stage, I will pray for you.

Tell It To Brother Bailvan Bhairavan: Podcast Edition

A followup to a post I wrote 19 years ago about a Bhailvan (Tamil for rogue, big-sized, rowdy-ish character) who wrote an agony column. But time marches on like IDF soldiers.

Since we last met Brother Bailvan Bhairavan (BBB), he has become a political analyst. Gone are the days when he bullied young people and their messy little problems. BBB has since become a political consultant who anal-ised (sic[k]) geopolitical situations locally and internationally. When asked what “geopolitics” is, he just nodded and said, "It's about looking for the location of ticks that marry multiple times.”.

He still wants to help those with relationship issues and stuff and has turned to podcasts, with me again as the in-between host. After feeding him several cheap liquors (an old habit which die hard with liver cirrhosis) BBB was more than happy to take on calls and deal with ‘em like any big burly men would.

This is the transcription of the podcast we had recently.

Me: Welcome to Tell It to Brother Bailvan Bhairavan, the podcast edition. Here we shall look at the comments and share some with BBB’s response. Haha, BBB sounds like barbecue, but triple the size. Haha, right?

BBB: Like the size of a swollen, cracked nose you are about to get now?

Me: Haha. I mean. Err… Anyway, let me remind you, BBB, that in the current politically right, woke, whatchamacallit era, you gotta be very balanced. For example, your answers should not be skewered toward the right wing types.

BBB: pOdA, my answers are not for barbecue.

Me: Right. Let me read the first comment. User Cr8t. Crate? “Hey ya, BBB. When your agony column was online the last time, I was never born.”

BBB: Now that you got to know me, you would wish you were never born.

Me: Aww, come on, BBB. That’s too harsh.

BBB: Haha, you know things have changed with me, especially after I became the disciple of Swamji Beataroundthebushananda right?

Me: Really, I wouldn’t have known that. Considering you have had about 5...6...hang on... I lost count. You change your gurus like underwear.

BBB: It’s more of an upgrade.

Me: To boxer shorts then. Okay, we have a caller. Hallo?

Caller : Hi, I am Leela.

Me: Get right to it, Leela. Brother Bailvan Bhairavan will take a crack at your issue.

Leela: Hi, BBB. Listen, I believe in feminism, women’s rights, and all that. But my fiancé is too traditionalist. He wants me to be in the kitchen, give birth, and take care of the kids.”

BBB: He does the career, you in the kitchen. What is he working for?

Caller: Systems analyst.

BBB: Tell him that if he is really a traditionalist and wants you by the kitchen. It should be fair that he too goes back in time and goes according to tradition. He should be working in the field, taking care of cows, and becoming a dung analyst.

Me: Haha, you don’t mean it, right, BBB? .........okay, right. He really meant that, Leela; he just gave me a laser stare that killed a few hopeful follicles on my balding head. Next, we look at a comment. Here’s from DaddyKiller, who says:

What has the world come to? Why does everything suck nowadays? Music stinks; it's war out there. Political instability. Prices go up”. How, BBB. There is some serious stuff there.

BBB: Before I became a thug, I was a thin, scrawny coward. I get beaten a lot. Then, I work out, and I eat a lot of anything that flies, runs, crawls, etc.

Me: Like a domestic lizard, ah?

BBB: Shutup. I got stronger. Then I do all the beating up.

Me: So, what's it got to do with Daddykiller’s complaint?

BBB: If you want to be ready to face issues, build yourself up for them; you can face any problem around you. If you remain like how you were—same old thinking, same old job, same old policies and stuff—surely you kena hit by all those problems. Music will continue to suck, war will continue to be profited by the military industrial complex, and politics has never been stable; only we never noticed it, but now we are making noise out of it. Prices have been going up, but we are not ready for it at any given day when we wake up to the news.

Me: All those will look little, puny, or even nothing if we hit the gym and eat domestic lizards.

BBB:...(*cricket sound*)

Me: Next, and this is definitely sensitive. In a comment this time, User ForgedDieldo says: 

I am a millennial. Everywhere I turn, all the previous generations are bullying us. Calling us lazy, we get everything easy. Take your phone away from us; we cannot survive. It is not that we asked for them all. We were born into it. Why hate us?"

BBB: Its because people of my generation hate the people of previous generations, who used to bully us. Saying shit and stuff like they walked to school for 20 miles, and they sharpen kitchen knives with their teeth. Half of the time, those are b.s. We can’t hate them because most of them are buried or cremated anyway. So, we transfer the anger to... you buggers.

Me: And how are they going to deal with that? Transfer that to a later generation?:

BBB: That’s the discipline.

To be continued when the author is not lazy...

Sherlock Holmes, Gossips and Then Some Bad Stuff.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson examines a piece of gossip.

 

The general impression is “gossip” is bad. It’s talking behind someone’s back – often mentioned in same bitter tone as “stabbing someone’s back” – no not the sexual stabbing. It was not until I started reading the Sherlock Holmes stories that I had a totally different view on gossips, and the activities of gossiping. 

Gossip is defined as “casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true”. Means, not fact. But what is fact, then?

Here’s what Holmes said about fact ““There is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact.” When the fact that is being dealt with is murky, hazy, such as ghosts? Holmes has this to say on two occasions, if not mistaken, “When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

There has to be some truth that is the basis for the gossip, those things you have to ‘eliminate’, the untruths. But the husk would not emerge, if there are no hard shells to protect. They say when there is smoke, there must be fire. Likewise, gossips do not stem out of nothing. A supposition, a presumption, some guess work, or random thoughts can push for an embryonic version of the fact. It may not be full born human, but it can be a potential xenomorph. 

Like that baby alien, gossips are harmless as we go down the age group. As schoolkids, gossips are about who smokes after school, or which boy is seeing which girl. We hear, too, about dating teachers. At that stage, no one really gets hurt, except the smoking boy, because gossips can lead to snitching. 

At that stage, facts are those in the text books, newspapers, or whichever your parents say you have to do because, dammit, you shut up and do. Things like, praying or the use of right hand to eat. Facts are so often buried in tradition. Traditions are based on fear. Fear is the weapons of the ruling class. So, we are susceptible to believing anything that is being told to us, no matter how much the original fact has been edited, cut off, modified, re-shot in different location, and have brand new soundtrack in it – its state now has completely deviated from the original script. But we love the end product, its spicier.

The flows of news that may and may not influence our day to day decision making are usually factual, unless they issue an apology note few days later. These would end up in print, or are blared out on audio or visual medium. Other forms of gossips are told in hush noises in kitchen. The former are just that….news, while the latter, no matter how accurate they are, would immediately qualify as gossips. 

Some of these gossips are sold down to the children as cautionary tales. “Aunty X has left Uncle Y because of his drinking. See what drinking does?”. Never mind years later you learn that Aunty X was banging co-worker T, but hey, you were too young to hear that. A made-up story is explained to you, it then became the basis for gossips to follow and circulate among the family members, relatives and then the community of course; and of course, the same gossip will be remembered each passing anniversary of Uncle Y’s suicide.

Of course, not all gossips are bad. In form of rumours, some have saved lives and some, led to catastrophes. 

The best thing about gossip about us is they are kept out of our reach, at best possible way. We are purposedly shielded from it, because people want to be in our good book. Then ones that has stopped talking to you at least has a working conscience. As to being at the receiving end, know this, the gossip monger:

1. - would have told you his or her version, edited it to make him or her look good in the process – you know, the risk taking messenger that they are. In the process, the gossip delivered becomes a heavily modified version when it reaches you. Its like pizza that gets repurposed several times till it finally became dog food. 

2. – is a sadist who gets hard-on (or whichever version of hard-on gals get) looking at the misery and anger, or whichever reaction the receiver gives. It’s cruel, sadistic, disheartening and makes a great reality TV show.

“2023 Year In Review: A Passable Sequel To The 2022 Horror.”

Summary:

If I were a 19th-century journal keeper, I would have summarised last year as follows:

“….I have still not recoiled from the utter horror as the entire year of 2023 has been nothing more, nothing less than the beastly compilation of innocuous incidents, inevitable expiration of lives, peaked by the tragedy of our premiership that was piloted by mere ambition, not heartfelt desire and drive to drag the countrymen out of the muddy turmoil of financial despair, diseases, and destruction of commercial endeavours. If 2022 ended in the dreaded horror of fatal ailments, this year climaxed with explosive barbaric termination of lives, mature and green, men and women, and hope of humanity drowning amidst the muddy crevices between wheels and tripods of destruction machines. The horror... the horror... the horror..."

Feature Presentations.

Forget the last sentence I wrote in the intro, which I copied directly from Kurtz mouth in Joseph Condrad's book (Heart of Darkness) and my all time favourite flick, Apocalypse Now.

Horror? Was 2023 any better than the dumbass of a year, 2022, which I subtitled as year of diarrhea in my review last year? In many ways, the fear of disease caused by virus towards the end of last year, is replaced by disgust at Zionism towards end of this year - Call me anti-Semitic but I have no idea which is the worst of the two diseases. I am no longer buying Israeli’s victim cry. You see, I am in the midst of reading a huge book on Mossad, its intelligence services centre, which brags about the deftness of the agents and how awesome it is. Oh, how the reputation is going to hit the ground splat like a foiled Wily Coyote.

To cry victim because it didn’t anticipate the October 7^th attack sounds phoney to me. I refuse to believe that some agencies have no hand in it and other agencies, especially the Americans which managed to sniff Sadam Hussein out of some god-forsaken hole (they are good at sniffing out holes, all kinda holes, those whacky Americans), did not have anything to prevent this attack. It’s the attack that was motivational enough for Israel to go on bombing spree as they wiped out civilians in Gaza. So the “victim” ended up not only killing Gazans, but….killing their own people as well. Oops, collateral damage. Israel, a mighty military power, is now a Leslie Nielsen flick.

I detect another round of falling empires, namely the US and its boy wonder, Israel, both – its not far off. The superpower bullies days are numbered. But let me go all the way back to January and watch the major foul up (which was the replacement word they used to use to dub f***ed up in an old Steven Seagal flick)

But that’s only a glimpse of the explosive finale for the years. Let’s go back to the beningging, err, beginning.

How do major media view 2023? “The year 2023 was marked by a weak ringgit that plunged through new lows against the US dollar on the back of widening interest rate differential between the overnight policy rate and the federal funds rate. – says The Edge. It’s a business paper, so they either report of hopes or disappointments backed by numbers.

So, let’s drop that and let us have some pinches of optimism. Let’s start with the most important event happened in 2022 in our country, the general election, where Anwar Ibrahim, whom I had dubbed as Political Miss Havisham*, finally got to be our Prime Minister.

Aside: I remember, back in 1994, going to an official function with my uncle, who was an analyst at a think thank that worked for deputy Prime Minister (then) Anwar (the same). So, when Anwar was walking over shaking hands, my uncle said, “you will be shaking hands with the future prime minister”.

I was thinking, yes, just a matter of few years time. How would I ever know that the whole shithouse would go to flame in just five years.

Back to the review.

January arrived with hopes. As when queried by The Malay Mail, Malaysians had stuff like better infrastructure (roads and potholes), better public healthcare, stuff like that. The news piece, however, neglect to mention if those interviewed had tongue firmly planted against the cheek (otherwise, how would they talk), or had their fingers crossed (perhaps fear of losing non-Christian readers).

But dammit, these sort of “wishes” which are actually “self-defeating sadistic hopes” keeps the world running. But everything remains the same.

Take UMNO for example. The once giant of a political party (the Republican, the grand old party, as they say, of our country), has taken beating every other time since ex Prime Minister Najib got off the office. UMNO is not only a shadow of its former self; it has become a parody. A kitsch. Stuff Chaplin forgot to include in his seminal satiric flick The Great Dictator (1940).

So, how do they deal with it? Fire some asses. It was, as reported here, the month where “Umno president and current Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Zahid Hamidi in one fell swoop expelled or suspended those who had spoken out against his decisions for the party, including his decision to become bosom buddies with the party's long time arch nemesis DAP.”

This means, for years, those who had been supporting UMNO, badmouthing DAP, or basically kicking DAP in the nuts when they are down, are now forced to lick back their spits and rejoice over this great “union”. Many did. Equally many were disgusted.

On the international front, somewhere in April, the world saw the mighty US shoot down....a balloon.

“An operation was underway in U.S. territorial waters in the Atlantic Ocean to recover debris from the balloon, which had been flying at about 60,000 feet and (I kid you not) was estimated to be about the size of three school buses.”

That is an actual description. Americans who have never embraced the metric system, despite the fact that they have been now been number one superpower in the world for about err...three donkey ages.

Somewhere in May, the United Nations – which has been as useful as sixth finger – declared that Covid was no longer a threat. Many threw away masks that made everyone suspicious of being a snatch thief or molesters (some may actually be rejoiced by the latter), though we were told to throw caution in the wind. We threw the masks.

And guess what? Like all great successful bad movies, the damned virus is making a comeback, right now, as I type this. We love great comebacks, whether its in films, sports or music. But dammit, we ain't gonna welcome the bloody disease that killed millions (almost 7 million now) and help create juicy scandals, even here. But what the hell, Malaysia's top glove manufacturer, err, Top Glove, which saw slump in their glove sales during the non-Covid time, are in for a treat, just like their glory days.

Speaking of comeback story, our PM Anwar got made it to the headlines when reality smacked him in the face like a used condom after all the promises he made, when he had to deal with a student's question on Bumiputera quota system.

Netizens erupted in displeasure dissatisfaction with Anwar’s response . Among others, according to the news report: (Anwar) cut her ...off before she could explain and then said he had already answered a similar question previously..... he said the student should have refrained from discussing the quota system.....He also allegedly criticised the student for being unfair to Bumiputera students in rural schools.”

The student should have known better than to ask question to a man who said that if he (and his party) wins today, the petrol price will go down tomorrow and gave a lame explanation for it. You gotta love that “you fellers are dumber than me” condescending look he had mastered arising from years of self-delusion.

Speaking of “you are dumber than me” demeanour, the world was shocked... oh well, not really, considering that scandals afflicting churches are dime a dozen. But this one, the whole church had to declare bankruptcy, amidst “... potential sexual abuse lawsuits”

According to the linked report, “The Maryland Attorney General’s Office released a 456-page report identifying 158 clergy, teachers, seminarians and deacons who allegedly abused more than 600 minors in the Archdiocese of Baltimore since the 1940s….”

Under the purview of God almighty? Cool.

Speaking of almighty, Tesla faced backlash when the company performed poorly at the stock...oh who am I kidding. No, their bloody car kept catching fire.

I mean, for heaven sakes, look at these headlines:

Though, I must admit that the driver ejected story looks honourable, as if the Tesla sacrificed itself and pushed the driver away heroically.

Speaking of heroes, Britain finally got herself a King. Like Anwar, poor Charles was waiting at the corridor for decades to take over his mother so that he can wear funny clothes.

Apart from being the source for the success of many tabloids, King Charles is an assurance that the citizens feel a lot better if they were to put a dumbass at the throne. Even the coronation was an indication of what is to come, especially when it featured.... the muppets.

Speaking of little ones, India finally became the most populated country in the world, beating China, which had actually start panicking earlier when they knew that the end of the race is near, and no way they are going to compete with the horny Indians. So, they dropped the one child policy, and have adapted three child one. Despite helping to boost the sales of toys and diapers, the people were having none of that. Nobody tells 'em what to do with their privates, so basically the plan failed.

Otherwise, to me, the most significant event of the year has to be the Barbieheimer. Yes, it has its own Wikipedia page. The healthy competition between a live action film about a doll, and the inventor of the nuclear bomb was most unlikely. They got nothing to do with each other, except one was a blonde bombshell and the other was a bomb in shell, and that facilitated the success of both films (the duo ended up in the top ten highest grossing films)

A lot of have happened of course, but I am running out of patience and am just too glad that that year is over. How do I feel about this year? I already put a pix up there. Welcome 2024. Be kind. Keep Tesla and Gaza fire free.

*At least Havisham saved from bad marriage if one existed. Malaysians are not so lucky.