The Art of Correspondence In The Age of Emojis.

“It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous.”

The above was attributed to many writers; some say it was by humorist (one of my major inspirations) Robert Benchley, and some quarters say that it was by Mark “the Mustache” Twain.

After almost two decades of writing, only now do I have an itsy bitsy of confidence in my writing and have actually started liking some of it, especially at this blog site. A bit. Therefore, I feel safer now to disseminate some tips, advice, or guides on the craft of writing. Also, I suck at everything else, including admin, accounts, and missile gyroscope settings.

I was prompted to write this when, just now, my colleague asked how he would write something to tell off the other party, but diplomatically.

That brought up the question: How do you deal with thorny issues in email or other forms of social media correspondence? Emailing is still prevalent in the corporate world, though other social media apps are taking over, making conversations more and more informal and requiring much time spent decoding the gibberish sent. Okay, not all have this issue, but I do. I write with long hands and often grapple with messages that look more like broken, pre-cooked instant noodles.

Let’s take this scenario. Your client says he or she is canceling the previous order because someone snitched on you and told them that you sniffed glue or something. How do you respond to that? Fret not, here’s a sample:

Dear Ms. or Mr. (whatever you use to address LGBTQrstuvwxyz),

I humbly accept your cancellation of the order. I understand very well that you did that in opposition to my personal habit of involving the respiratory system and squeezable stationery.

But I beseech you: please do not let the wonderful service provider/client relationship hit the iceberg of cancellation. We had a great time together, with you supplying the product and you paying through both of your nostrils (note the preoccupation with sniffing here).

Indeed, I am now on both knees, typing on the laptop on the floor, begging you not to let go of our services. A lot can be done for you while I am on my knees.

Note that you have humbled yourself to the point where your client starts feeling guilty and decides that the only act of repentance is to forgive you and continue the business relationship. Also, he or she might take it the wrong way, especially the last sentence, and would reciprocate with a sexual harassment lawsuit.

In any way, you have been diplomatic despite the severity of the issue. But what if you want to tell off your client in the nicest possible way, not to hurt him or provoke him into using a voodoo doll against you? Diplomacy, tact, and loads of humility come to play again.

Dear Mr. XXX (not Vin Diesel, but you can imagine him here),

Allow me to first inform you that I am of the lowest creature, even less than Spirulina, a consumable bacterium with a girl name. It is not my place to find fault in you or your organisation.

However, and pardon my tenacity in doing this, we found that you owe us several months of payment, which is up to RM 767.85 to be paid one cent coins as promised.

This showed that despite our kindness, you treat us like an aging cow, milking us our products and services till we bled from our t_, err. You get what I am saying.

Despite indulgence in fantasies involving the wringing of your neck, we still have hopes of feeling Rm 767.85 in coins in our pockets. But now, we can only feel a bunch of organic stuff there. Hence, we would truly appreciate it if you could settle the outstanding amount immediately, or we shall activate the bomb planted at your office’s underground parking during lunch time in kind consideration of others.

I'm awaiting your response.

Yours humbly.

See, it’s not difficult. We Malaysians follow the Budi Bahasa concept, as taught in primary school. Of course, Malaysians become nasty as they grow older and nastier netizens, but in real life, we are just chickens and have to resort to being tactful and diplomatic.

But what if things have gone south, milk has turned sour, grapes have become raisins, and goats have become mutton varuval? What are you to do? What if the client slaps you with a lawsuit? Can you slap him back with your hand on the account that's cheaper?

No, it’s time for another tactful, diplomatic, very PRish piece of content:

Dear YYYY,

I have received the notice from your side and found many grammatical and spelling errors. Therefore, I don’t understand jackshit. I don’t know what you are saying. I saw some courts, suits, and all that. All I can say is that I don’t wear suits to basketball courts. Forget it, man, whatever you want to tell me. I don’t know.

Yours brilliantly.

What if the client himself turns up with a briefcase and a rat poison-carrying lawyer (his sustenance)? What do you do?

You can go back and pen another query letter as to their sudden presence.

Dear YYYY,

Imagine my surprise when, this morning, I opened the door and there you were. This was without warning, and in as much as a notice ahead of your visit. The guy next to you must be a lawyer, as I judged by the forked tongue he used to lick a fly off his face.

At this stage, I will pray for you.