Tell It To Brother Bailvan Bhairavan: Podcast Edition

A followup to a post I wrote 19 years ago about a Bhailvan (Tamil for rogue, big-sized, rowdy-ish character) who wrote an agony column. But time marches on like IDF soldiers.

Since we last met Brother Bailvan Bhairavan (BBB), he has become a political analyst. Gone are the days when he bullied young people and their messy little problems. BBB has since become a political consultant who anal-ised (sic[k]) geopolitical situations locally and internationally. When asked what “geopolitics” is, he just nodded and said, "It's about looking for the location of ticks that marry multiple times.”.

He still wants to help those with relationship issues and stuff and has turned to podcasts, with me again as the in-between host. After feeding him several cheap liquors (an old habit which die hard with liver cirrhosis) BBB was more than happy to take on calls and deal with ‘em like any big burly men would.

This is the transcription of the podcast we had recently.

Me: Welcome to Tell It to Brother Bailvan Bhairavan, the podcast edition. Here we shall look at the comments and share some with BBB’s response. Haha, BBB sounds like barbecue, but triple the size. Haha, right?

BBB: Like the size of a swollen, cracked nose you are about to get now?

Me: Haha. I mean. Err… Anyway, let me remind you, BBB, that in the current politically right, woke, whatchamacallit era, you gotta be very balanced. For example, your answers should not be skewered toward the right wing types.

BBB: pOdA, my answers are not for barbecue.

Me: Right. Let me read the first comment. User Cr8t. Crate? “Hey ya, BBB. When your agony column was online the last time, I was never born.”

BBB: Now that you got to know me, you would wish you were never born.

Me: Aww, come on, BBB. That’s too harsh.

BBB: Haha, you know things have changed with me, especially after I became the disciple of Swamji Beataroundthebushananda right?

Me: Really, I wouldn’t have known that. Considering you have had about 5...6...hang on... I lost count. You change your gurus like underwear.

BBB: It’s more of an upgrade.

Me: To boxer shorts then. Okay, we have a caller. Hallo?

Caller : Hi, I am Leela.

Me: Get right to it, Leela. Brother Bailvan Bhairavan will take a crack at your issue.

Leela: Hi, BBB. Listen, I believe in feminism, women’s rights, and all that. But my fiancé is too traditionalist. He wants me to be in the kitchen, give birth, and take care of the kids.”

BBB: He does the career, you in the kitchen. What is he working for?

Caller: Systems analyst.

BBB: Tell him that if he is really a traditionalist and wants you by the kitchen. It should be fair that he too goes back in time and goes according to tradition. He should be working in the field, taking care of cows, and becoming a dung analyst.

Me: Haha, you don’t mean it, right, BBB? .........okay, right. He really meant that, Leela; he just gave me a laser stare that killed a few hopeful follicles on my balding head. Next, we look at a comment. Here’s from DaddyKiller, who says:

What has the world come to? Why does everything suck nowadays? Music stinks; it's war out there. Political instability. Prices go up”. How, BBB. There is some serious stuff there.

BBB: Before I became a thug, I was a thin, scrawny coward. I get beaten a lot. Then, I work out, and I eat a lot of anything that flies, runs, crawls, etc.

Me: Like a domestic lizard, ah?

BBB: Shutup. I got stronger. Then I do all the beating up.

Me: So, what's it got to do with Daddykiller’s complaint?

BBB: If you want to be ready to face issues, build yourself up for them; you can face any problem around you. If you remain like how you were—same old thinking, same old job, same old policies and stuff—surely you kena hit by all those problems. Music will continue to suck, war will continue to be profited by the military industrial complex, and politics has never been stable; only we never noticed it, but now we are making noise out of it. Prices have been going up, but we are not ready for it at any given day when we wake up to the news.

Me: All those will look little, puny, or even nothing if we hit the gym and eat domestic lizards.

BBB:...(*cricket sound*)

Me: Next, and this is definitely sensitive. In a comment this time, User ForgedDieldo says: 

I am a millennial. Everywhere I turn, all the previous generations are bullying us. Calling us lazy, we get everything easy. Take your phone away from us; we cannot survive. It is not that we asked for them all. We were born into it. Why hate us?"

BBB: Its because people of my generation hate the people of previous generations, who used to bully us. Saying shit and stuff like they walked to school for 20 miles, and they sharpen kitchen knives with their teeth. Half of the time, those are b.s. We can’t hate them because most of them are buried or cremated anyway. So, we transfer the anger to... you buggers.

Me: And how are they going to deal with that? Transfer that to a later generation?:

BBB: That’s the discipline.

To be continued when the author is not lazy...