Diego Maradona – The Love/Hate Icon

There is a popular shot of Diego Maradona freeze in the air, with his hands touching a aerial bound football. Fortunately, that will not be all football fans all over the world will remember the player acknowledged as one of the finest in the world. In fact, never has there been a footballer who was both loved, adored, hated and despised like Maradona.

Look, one can argue till the cow comes home that Pelé is better than Maradona, but Pelé is such a gentleman that he is boring. Come on, the old man does advertisement for erectile dysfunction. Maradona is poster boy for once drug abuse, obesity, and return to sobriety and full form, and possibly back to abuse and being a fatso. There is nothing stopping Maradona from sustaining the good guy/bad boy image he had all these years…and on top of that, a magnificent football player that influenced the entire generation that insisted that Pelé was the best, but dammit, deep inside they admitted this chunky, short Argentinean was no fluke either.

Maradona’s full name is thankfully Diego Armando Maradona. There should be a collective sigh of relief to know that, since Pelé’s full name is Edison Arantes do Nascimento. If you are staring in disbelief, Pelé’s fellow Brazilian footballer, Socrates’ actual name is Sócrates Brasileiro Sampaio de Souza Vieira de Oliveira and it’s easy to assume that introduction sessions in Brazil take days.

Anyway, back to Maradona. When I first saw heard of him and his team when I was seven, and saw him on small screen to years later. I have seen football magazines collected by my uncle back then, and having won the previous world cup, this impressionable young boy became a fan of Argentina’s national football team. I grew to accept some elements of Argentinean football team that irks non-fan – that though they play fantastic football, they also play it dirty. Nothing was more evident than the “hand of god” incident that I highlighted earlier that sent England packing back home in 1986 World Cup, notably one of the best in FIFA’s history. Maradona was responsible for that and led Argentina to victory that year defeating the mechanical Germans. The English are still bitter about it, but it is safe to know that to be defeated by “hand of god” was better than to be crushed German cyborgs.

So, that was the beginning of many controversial events in Maradona’s life. As you might know, he played in Naples for Napoli, where once he was banned for 15 months for cocaine abuse, and then again during 1994 World Cup where he was tested positive for ephedrine, whatever it was.

He retired in 1997, around the time I was losing interest in the game, and went on to become doppelganger for Marlon Brando in terms of size and wackiness. Cocaine abuse was rampant and he had love-hate relationship with the press. In fact, once, claiming that the reporters were invading his privacy, Maradona fired compressed-air rifle. That was a wrong thing to do; a shot gun should have been apt for the paparazzi knuckleheads.

Then, to piss the Americans he became a good buddy of Fidel Castro and called George W. Bush “human garbage”. Having added salt to the injury, he proceeded to pour acid on it when he presented a signed shirt with a message of support to the people of Iran: it is to be displayed in the Iranian Ministry of Foreign Affairs' museum. Somewhere Bush is burning Maradona’s effigy.

If that is not enough, the country that loved him once, Italy, reported that in 2009 Maradona owed them 37 million euros in taxes. As of now, Maradona has only paid them 42,000 euros, two luxury watches and a set of earrings. Getting a government to walk into a pawn shop is certainly great way to maintain a relationship.

Speaking of love-hate, the same should apply with his relationship with Pelé. On one occasion, FIFA conducted a fan poll on the Internet the Player of the Century. Maradona finished top of the poll with 53.6% of the vote. But for some feel-good reason, Pelé was also given the title. Maradona, being a gentleman that we know, protested and didn’t wait for the ceremony to be over when he walked off…with the award of course.

The two sort of made up when Maradona started his own talk show….yes, talk show. He is the most outspoken, politically incorrect, and likes to shoot the media, literally, and he was part of the very platform he abhorred, that’s Maradona for you. Anyway, here’s what wikipedia has to say about the show and Pelé:

“His main guest on opening night was Pelé; the two had a friendly chat, showing no signs of past differences. However, the show also included a cartoon villain with a clear physical resemblance to Pelé.”

The two got together again for an advertisement shoot with Zidane, an odd choice considering the balding French was mainly known for using the bald spot to butt-head another player during a game. And recently, when Pelé gave a not so kind comment about Maradona’s coaching technique, the latter simply said that Pelé should be in a museum

Anyway, he proved to be a colourful personality in the ongoing World Cup, standing right next to the field’s touchline, as a coach, a very emotional one, urging the players on, screaming at the referee, kicking the ball stylishly when it rolled to him, and very much becoming the man of the match himself though he was outside the pitch. He was every bit as entertaining as the game itself.

Whether he was a great player, questionable coach, had issues with his health, grappled with drug addiction, shared meals with communist leaders, or pissed the Americans off, he’d be a name that at least, football fans or those who have heard of the game, would remember.

I asked two hardcore Brazil supporters what they think of him here are the reactions:-

Balan Kumar (my brother): “A legend like Pelé, who should have remained just that, now he will be also known as a failed manager, notwithstanding his off field antics ( football field touchline and his cocaine induced tantrums).”

Subendran Ravindran (author of footballshaman.blogspot.com): “He is a great player who tried to be a great manager, but over did it with fiddling too much. In the end should have just remained that great icon that we all knew. And the irony is, he will still be a ‘great’ icon.”

Tamizh Film Review: Ravanan

While driving back, I was thinking of Vikram’s performance in the new much awaited Mani Rathnam film, Ravanan. The gestures, the facial expression, the way he tilts his head and gaze, the roll of the eyes, the screams, the yell, the shout, the whisper….I was impressed, but something hit me. I have seen that before, and it was in a modest little film called Thambi and Madhavan utilised this higher-gear style of performance and it went on under appreciated. Since Ravanan is a big budgeted film helmed by who is perceived as one of the best Indian filmmaker, they will be dolling out awards to Vikram. Madhavan’s is still the best and most daring to me (considering the mediocrity of his film), but Vikram did well and should be one of the main reasons to watch Ravanan.

The other reasons? For one, the film is a visual feast for viewers. Fantastic cinematography, amidst the forest, and some wonderful action sequences should be the reason why you should start booking the ticket if you haven’t seen it already. The climactic bridge fight alone should make you sit through the movie till the end. Mani Rathnam hardly disappoint us when it comes to delivering fantastic sight and sound feast and he is not compromising it now.

Also to be noted is the performances of the supporting casts. Prabhu is well utilised, but being a fan I wished they had shown a lot more of him. For example, during a key point, Vikram is shown grieving, but the incident should also affect Prabhu who is Vikram’s brother. Nope, only focus on Vikram. And then, I realised this, showing a grieving Prabhu means eating Vikram for breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner and that midnight trip to the fridge. That man is that good. But never mind.

Also, it’s nice to see Karthik back in full form, the man has never aged the last fifteen years and his physical fitness is well used, as well as his sense of comic timing. Pritviraj fits in well as a cop with dark side, and Priyamani shows up in flashback (the key incident I mentioned) and proves again why she is one of the finest actress of our time.

Which brings us to what was supposed to be the central part of the film – the heroine. Played by Aishwarya Rai, she again raised the question I had in my mind almost a decade ago: “Why is she still in the industry? What have I missed? Isn’t she easily one of the worst actress around?”. Here the filmmakers intent was, no matter how dirty, and messed up she is physically, make sure you get the makeup right. Anytime she rolls over the mud, falls into pit, she comes out still looking like she had just walked off the Miss World stage. Her character needs our empathy and I had a lot more sympathy for the transvestite character played by Vaiyapuri than her. She alone would have ruined the entire film if not for the redeeming factors I mentioned. It would have been wonderful if it was Priyamani playing that role instead.

Also, while the background score was awesome by the ever impressive A.R. Rahman, can they get him to lower his workload. There’s blaring music almost all the time, and with such gorgeous location, I would have loved to hear the sound of the forest a lot more, the trees branches swishing, the birds tweeting, the macaque screaming. I don’t remember any of that. Guys, ARR is great, but it doesn’t mean that you spread his music like a thick lather of jam over the bread.

There are loopholes in the script, and sometimes the dialogue gets heavy handed that you just don’t bother trying to understand the characters motivation and intent. Get your eyes feasted and walk out satisfied that it was worth the tickets, coke and pop-corn you spent on. Not the best Mani Rathnam effort, and not his worst. But definitely needs a visit in the big screen.

How to deal with World Cup 2010 for the Less Enthusiastic.

The World Cup 2010 will kick off today, and I can already see some of you reaching for blade to cut your wrist saying, “We know that!!! It’s all over the place and we are sick of it! And can you stop using ‘kick off’, why can’t you say ‘starting’, ‘opening’, ‘launching’, fer Pele’s sake”

Alright, relax. I am too afflicted by this barrage of media advertisements, promotions, riding on, cross-promotions, product placements, sport celebrity endorsements, and cringe-inducing comic panels from the Star newspaper’s C.W.Kee (Premise for every-frickin’ day: man is so enthralled with World Cup that…), but there is no denying that deep down, right inside your heart and mind you are feeling the excitement. No matter how un-football friendly you are, you are either in or you are better off homeless and untouched unless someone has six-foot pole nearby.

Let’s face it, the entire world is excited by Word Cup…with exception of the United States which says football is a game where the ball is passed with hands. Yeah. US. It had two Bushs as president remember? Though they have a team for the game they prefer calling soccer (pronounced ‘sucker’), the game is somewhat more popular with ladies. Perhaps they have the guts to play without those ridiculous helmets and there’s no additional expense in getting ball-guard.

Anyway, my point is this: Love it or not, the month of June you have to bear with it. I like the game just like the next man, but my enthusiasm for it has waned over the years, like the woman next to the next man. Sure, I’d be rooting for Argentina, a team I was supporting since I was seven when I can’t even spell Argentina, or other South American countries due to memories of the fan-days where I felt they played exceptionally great game. But, it’s no longer like how I used to. For one, I am not going to stay up late to watch the games, nor am I getting up early. I have enough issues with Insomnia already.

It often stated that usually female members or partners in a family suffer through this period no thanks the male members’ obsession with the World Cup. Alas, this is not true when it comes to me and some cat families. My wife is obsessed with it, so much so that I pray and hope her favourite team, Brazil, do well at least to prevent domestic violence. Turning up at workplace with blue-black eye and blaming it on World Cup is not good for my career prospect.

So, if you are like me, here are some tips on how to deal with certain situations:

The Game You Don’t Really Care

Trust me there will be many of these. So, if your partner is enthusiastic about a team, the country you never even know existed, show enthusiasm as well. Here’s a sample conversation:

Partner: That damned (player name) shouldn’t have handled the free kick.

You: Yes, damned *&^%$%, can I get you another pack of peanuts, honey? (so that you can wash your face, or anything to keep you awake).

But things are about turn nasty, if you partner asks you for an opinion, which is rare because they all have opinions and usually are not interesting in asking. So, just in case:

Partner: A corner kick, finally. Who do you think should take it?

You: May the right man take it. As long as he scores, right?

Partner: Which team are you supporting again?

You: I think you are running out of peanuts

Yes, diplomacy helps, keep lots of peanuts or popcorn in stock.

The Game You Care, but It’s Your Team against Your Partner’s

In my case, what if Brazil meets Argentina somewhere. I like Brazil as much as the rest of the world, but how do you support both teams? You have to take a stand don’t you? I have two suggestions:

1. Just give in to your partner’s team. Say you hope her or his team wins, coz you know already they are winning the cup

2. Say you have urgent work to do and hide under the bed throughout the game.

3. If you are caught under the bed, say you are not well and …..

Forget it, you will be brought back kicking and screaming, at which time the neighbour might alert the police, and the cops can take care of the situation. Unless they too support Brazil.

The Madness Building Up.

Yes, you cannot avoid this. Your partner will speak, eat, drink, inhale, ingest, consume and burp World Cup all day long. They say; if you can’t beat them, join them. So, if things get out of hand, call mom and say that you are coming back and going to be there for the entire World Cup. Of course, your mom would cut the line because her favourite team just scored a goal.

4 Other Responsibilities for Samy Vellu So He Can Resign Soon.

We all know what is happening in MIC*, with Samy Vellu the president still hanging on to his chair, and his party ex-members forming comically named group called GAS (Gerakan Anti Samy, [Anti-Samy Movement]) which makes sense, unless you take into account that Samy also means God in Tamil. This is not new as we all know that many who have tasted power wants to cling on even if it means that they have to die and come back as Zombie, in which case I suspect Samy is.

Anyway, The Star newspaper columnist Joceline Tay wrote a nice piece in which she said:

"…American Idol judge Simon Cowell said on Thursday night as the cast toasted his last season with the reality show: 'You gotta know when to leave the party.'"

And she proceeds to advice:

"It is best to step down when you are still in control of your exit plan, when the party is still on, and not after the music has stopped"

Trouble is, Samy’s exit plan includes sacking anyone including those who sneezed during a meeting, even if the fellow is not a party member. The damndest thing is, he is leading a party that was supposed to be representing Malaysian Indian community, and I personally did a survey recently and found out that it actually represents a certain rodent family and few marsupials that respond to old Tamil songs.

Anyway, since the party itself is irrelevant to that community here, it’s about time Samy move on and do something else. Which is apt as he was recently quoted as saying that he will resign early if he is given other responsibilities. Right now, it’s not clear what kind of responsibilities these are; for all you know it might be sacking his Malay teacher or something.

So, to help him I decided to make a few suggestions on the “responsibilities” he can take on so that he can leave while the “party is still on” so to speak. Dear Samy, when you are not busy writing poetry**, you can take a look at these:

1. (Long Term) Leadership Guru

Look, the man has been a political party president for a frickin’ 22 years, a cabinet minister for 18 years and that’s a record and there has to be a reason why he hung on to his chair that long. These are my suggested programs that can help youths of today become political tyrants of the future:

a) Taking the bull by its tail: Shirking responsibilities and facing issues with your ass turned towards it.

b) Hand that bites your ass: Choosing the right deputies (wieners) and right hand wan…I mean, men.

c) Crowd Control: Get total attention during meetings and kick questioners ass.

d) Getting Away: Mistakes, mismanagement and manipulations.

e) Nepotism: Never pass on your big mouth to your political heirs.

f) Mind Your Language: Mangle your way to media’s heart.

g) Deflective Shield: How to blame everyone else.

These are merely suggestions, I am sure Samy has huge storage of experience, knowledge, anecdotes, and copies of police reports and legal suits that he can share with us. Of course, there is a trait in leadership that requires a separate title and responsibilities, and I mean becoming a…

2. Anger Management Guru.

Look, he has been there and done it. His hot temper is known from coast to coast, ocean to ocean, dust to dust, etc. Day in and day out his anger knows no boundary , with his blood kept on boiling to the point that he has to periodically stick some dry ice onto certain orifice to cool himself down***

But I am sure there are other methods he employs to manage his anger that he can share with many of us. Let’s face it, if there are two things we cannot control, it’s anger and hunger. I say so, because they rhyme. But anger destroys, and Samy knows that too well. Some of the programs I suggest for Samy to share with us:

a) How to control your anger by sacking someone.

b) How to postpone your anger by sacking someone.

c) How to sack someone to control your anger and postpone it.

d) How to control someone by postponing your anger and sacking it.

Wouldn’t it be awesome, if we learn about fire from the fireeater himself. Samy can help to bring good mood and humour in your life. Which brings us to…

3. Standup Comedian (in Malay)

Samy’s mangling of the Malay language is legendary. I am sure one day someone will write the tome, Hikayat Samy Vellu, with students arguing whether or not it’s based on the real man, because the amazing amount of language goofs in it. The author of this blog post have similar doubts too but let me assure you that most of it are true.

So, all samy has to do is just stand (or sit, depending whether he had just shoved the dry ice) and respond to queries. It will have audiences in stitches, and Samy would have finally found his real niche. Which brings us to…

4. Hair Transplant Ambassador.

Contrary to what folks think, that thing on his head is not a shrink-wrapped dead Siamese cat. They are actually follicles as a result of Hair Transplant, Extreme CombOver™ and industry strength Glue (let’s abbreviate it to HTECOG). I, especially, know this well having had the capability, since I am balding myself and have watched many Sean Connery movies, to differentiate real hair, wigs and doormats. So, those real hairs has been on that head for around two solid decades now, and Samy has been unfairly ignored as a great maintainer of tresses that is probably transplanted from his armpit.

It’s time to give him that credit and I suggest Samy approach any leading hair transplant service provider and offer himself to be the ambassador for the industry. He can preach the virtue of HTECOG to balding males, as opposed to those spidery combover that terrifies even adults, much less small children and wigs that looked like dry cow poop. Since there are just one too many balding males, at a mature age, it’d be easy for everyone to relate to Samy as a fellow baldy who recovered with HTECOG.

***

So, there you go, Samy. Pick up one of these responsibilities or all of them and resign. Let the others deal with the bothersome business of managing a political party and take on one of these responsibilities. And fast, because your expiry date as Zombie is nearing.

*(For non-Malaysian reader) That’s a Malaysian Indian party, abbreviation of Malaysian Indian Congress…any links with Mahatma Ghandi is purely coincidental. Some of the members want the president to resign, like, now.

**True. He writers poem to the newspaper that is linked with him, Tamil Nesan. The poems may be about as creative as a five year old, at least they rhyme.

***I read it somewhere. Either that or I made it up, not sure.

Pazhassi Raja review

*Contains spoiler, which is actually cliché of these kinda films, so I warned you*

Somewhere in the middle of the big budget Mallu film called Pazhassi Raja, the name of the leader of the freedom fighters out to oust the East India Company, was the scene all the purveyors of this kind of films waiting for. Speech time. Scriptwriters and the lead actors die for this kind of scene that will elevate them into god-like status within the films context, therefore making us, viewers, to follow them, laugh with them, cry with them, and die with them as these kind of martyrs usually do on screen.

Sitting erect on the horse, looking at his thousands of soldiers, Pazhassi Raja, played by Malayalam superstar, Mammootty, must have said about three short sentences with the urgency of a man who’s missing his breakfast. That’s it.

Anything lost during the speech time was made up with visual spectacle in this motion pitcure that attempts to reach for the sky, though it made halfway through Mount Kilimanjaro. It has ambition, but limited mechanism. It had voice, but was trifle muffled. It had vision, but as Paul Newman says in Butch Cassidy, “boy I have vision; the rest of the world wears bifocals”. In this case, thinner lens.

Yes, there is something amiss about this big budgeted Malayalam venture. No rallying cry that almost invites viewers participation? The clunky battle sequences with overzealous wire-pullers? Or the sequence itself that seemed to be inspired from the Ewoks episode of Star Wars?Could it be the rude interruption of intimate scenes between the hero and the heroines accompanied by Ilayaraja’s song that seemed to be dug up from the 90s? Or overall cut & paste feel of the background score that does nothing much to elevate important scenes? I can’t quite place it.

But there are still plenty of reasons to like the film. The cinematography, for instance. Shot mostly in the forest, and occasionally on sets, almost every frame looks like framed photographs. There was one particular shot of a horse coming out of the river that was simply riveting. In the Tamizh version that I watched, the opening had Kamal Haasan lending a voice over, his voice crackling with emotion reading some historical text, which I felt was unnecessary considering the Indian cinema is usually generous with expositions.

One thing that will be remembered is the performances of the Indian actors. While the ones playing English were less than amateurs, it looked like whatever they saved from paying the whites, were used to pay top notch stars from South India. Mamooty, who has the right commanding presence, and lends nobility and dignitiy, and not to mention, intelligence to his role, where, unlike other freedom fighter heroes you have watched (Veerapandiya Kattabomman [VPK], remember?), Pazhassi is more of a master strategist and trainer, than a warrior himself. The surprise was Tamizh actor, Sarath Kumar, who was very, very effective as Pazhassi’s commander-in-chief, looked great in the warrior get-up and was never the usual wooden self. In fact, my wife kept saying that Sarath should have played Pazhassi in the Tamil version again and again until I threatened a gag order.

One thing for sure, the film didn’t feel long. The script moved on, tracking all the main characters and their activities and finally leading to a clichéd finale where the hero goes by himself and get slain; we see that from the time of VPK to Hollywood’s Gladiator. True, it may be based on history, but they could have stopped the film somewhere rather than showing the heroic death. In VPK, the death of the lead was unbearable, no thanks to just concluded fiery speech by the doomed king. In Pazhassi Raja, you were just waiting for that to happen, especially considering there were no fiery speeches anywhere.

Pazhassi Raja is watchable thanks to the lead actors and wonderful cinematography. Other than that, it’s up to you…

Public Transportation Zombies 2: Calm or Dumb.

Yesterday I was almost involved in a tragic disaster involving the light rapid transit (LRT), except that it was more of a bummer. For non-Malaysians, LRT is something like Mass Rapid Transit (MR) that you get in Singapore, except that it’s smaller, more compact and look about as safe as going nudist in crocodile farm.

What surprised me was at that moment, that lasted maybe about two minutes, was how calm Malaysians were. I was in the train as it left Datuk Keramat station heading towards Damai station, seated, reading a collection of Sherlock Holmes pastiches and I heard a slamming sound and instantly the train shut off its light and air con, slowed down and stopped at the next station.

The train door did not open, and I looked back at the crowd in the station, waiting for our train, which looked just as calm as us passengers in the train was. And then, they started moving backwards with still the calm look in the face. Something was wrong. Someone opened the little inlet above the train’s window and immediately smell of burning plastic seeped in. I heard a voice mentioning something about fire….and there was wisp of smoke from the other end of the train. oh-oh, time to panic?

Remember all the disaster scenes involving trains in the movie? Yeah, I was thinking about the scenes in the Batman and Spider-Man movies specifically. Good to have superheroes around, except over here in Malaysia we only have Cicak-Man and Anwar Ibrahim.

While thoughts involving physicists like Michael Bay* and Ron Emmerich* was on my mind, the other passengers were just looking about and looking very blur. Imagine the same scenario in the US for instance, there would be guys yelling “let me out” or girls screaming, “Oh my god” every second, children crying and Nicholas Cage or Will Smith doing something heroic. Here, a dude was trying hard to force open the door, when I noticed that the next coach door was open and people were walking out calmly. I ushered the folks in my coach towards that direction, leaving the door-opening-dude still at it like his entire manhood depended on it. It probably did.

As I walked out I was cursing everyone involved with making train right up to James Watt**, the rest of the folks just stood around, again looking, well, calm in a puzzled way until the announcement came from the PA system, with voice that sounded like a choked goose, saying that the trains will not move and the service will continue “momentarily”. Instantly, everyone was talking to their mobile phones and making their way down to the station and outside…very calmly. Mind you, there was smoke around though we don’t know where it is from. They say, when there’s smoke there’s fire. According to the passengers yesterday, “when there’s smoke, should I call or just text message to save money?”

This brings back to the article I wrote way back when I actively started using the train. Here’s my comment on the passengers, which I described as the scary part: “As the train moved, lolling and bobbing over the track, the passenger, and I am not making this up, were just there still, taking the lolls, the bobs, the bumps and the thumps, their eyes empty as a vacant lot, the expression as still as cave painting and with apparent care for fellow passengers as cats would with spinach”.

Now, here’s something that could have happened that would make scriptwriters wet their pants and us shit in ours, they were just calm. Not cool calm, as their subsequent mating with cell phone showed, but like they just don’t know and don’t care. Should we take it as a blessing or should we care about it. What if there was fire in the train and we couldn’t get out and as fate would have it, Bruce Willis is out of town? Would they just look at each other vacantly and start thinking about cannibalism?

I don’t know, I have not been involved in real public transportation disasters yet. And I sure don’t want to hear the PA system making announcements with Vincent Price’s voice.

*theory: Bang! Boom! Kapow! All die except the hero and his chums.

**invented the tea boiling kettle.

The Public Transportation Zombies (first one)

‘tis The Season of Sex Scandals.

What has footballer Ashley Cole, golfer Tiger Woods, Singaporean filmmaker Jack Neo, so-called Indian godsmen Swami Nityananda and Shiv Murat Dwivedi have in common?

That’s right, they make shitload of more money than you and I and the dog named Boo. But what else do they have in common? If you don’t know the answer, chances are you are still trapped in that cave and decided to continue living on bat poo.

For those who know, can link them together with one word: sex scandal. I know, those are two words, but trust me, with its frequency of its feed with the hungry media, soon it will become one word: sexscandal.

Future definition for sexscandal: “stuff that ordinary people do that never makes it in international media.” Right now, I shall stick to two words.

Why do I intend to write about this issue in this family oriented, wholesome, fibre-filled blog site, where I am more comfortable writing about spider eggs on banana leaf lunch, or other intellectual stuff like that?

Because I am baffled by the reaction towards them by ordinary folks who never been an inch near all these personalities, let alone having had banana leaf lunch with them. At best, the most sensationalised scandal we get to know from someone we know usually involves romp with underpaid maids or, at worst, circulating clips shot with mobile phone. Usually the apology should be reserved for poor cinematography, but that’s something else.

You see, what these big shot personalities do in one’s bedroom, golf course or ashram, is their own business. But what bugs me is the response to it. Why are the fans, followers and readers getting outraged by that? Why do the affected personalities need to apologise for an act that consist of lots of loving and very little violence unless you talking about sex involving unusual props.

The natural answer is the feeling of being cheated, betrayed, loss of trust….all of which almost meaning the same thing. But this applies to the personalities’ legal partners, whom they are cheating. Similar feeling applies to the followers of the swamijis who may or not been preached about virtues and sins related to sex.

Could it be that folks want them to concentrate on what they do the best and leave the rest to the professionals. Let the gigolos take care of the mistresses instead of the horny sportsmen, let the actors take care of the actresses instead of the lustful swamijis. Let the Charlie Sheen service the prostitutes, instead of sex-crazed politician. In short, leave sex to the sex industry, yeah that includes film industry too.

Which brings us the recent spate about Jack Neo, the successful Singaporean filmmaker. Somewhat I feel that the news of his affairs and so-called sexual harassment should not embarrass Singaporeans…because hey, apparently there is sex in Singapore.

Neo is right smack in the industry that not only offers glitz & glamour, but plenty of booze, dope and lots and lots of sex. Those entering the industry knows that. Those watching the industry from afar knows that. Those who are thriving or hanging on to the last threads in the industry are there mainly knowing very well that if not for the fame and great sex they are getting, they would probably be selling Hokkien mee in food courts.

Speaking of entertainment industry, what about those rock star whose exploit we read everyday with a grin on our face, shaking our heads at “those crazy dudes” and still buy their CDs, download and share their mp3s and watch their concerts. It doesn’t matter that Bonham had an orgy with snapper fish (not shark as the legend dictated) or if Morrison whipped out his dong during a concert. Both are dead and we still love them.

Same applies if Bono was found liplocked with Elton John, or if Mick Jagger was filmed fondling a mountain goat. We will dismiss as just another rockstar antic and continue spending time and money on their outputs. And avoid mutton for life, maybe.

Sex scandal, in fact, is not a plague in entertainment industry, it’s a side dish, if properly done could be the main course that can sell personalities. Most C-grade celebrities, say, like Paris Hilton and that Kardashian bitch, came to prominence from what could have been an intentionally leaked sex tapes. In short, what causes downfall of great sportsmen, politician and men of god, is the very sun that gives energy to these pathetic pseudo-celebs.

What’s norm for film industry patrons and rock stars, is the way of the future for famewhores and douchebags. What you don’t want to emanate from first class stars who are not in the film or music industry, feeds the publicity-seeking worm working out from the dirt there are in. In case of Kardashian, her entire family is living off television fame thanks to her enormous butt.

I suppose ordinary folks had relegated sex scandals to those who have nothing to do with reality. Sportsmen are role modes and at times, financial investments, politicians affect your daily life, and religious leaders dictate your moral values. They are part of your real life, not fantasy. Seeing them getting illicit blowjob in between just ruins your day.

Election 2008 Aftershock pt 2

So, it has been two years since the March 08, 2008 election which saw promises, especially one where Malaysians who are politically matured will help guide the elected officials to steer Malaysia into greatness. Malaysians. Political maturity.

Okay, I can’t help it; I am stifling my laughter here. Malaysians political maturity is about the same as whining three year old outside a toy shop. Malaysians are about as wise as self-cancelling Yoda when it comes to politics.

What had happened the last two years since the so-called political Tsunami? Shit. Lots of shit. Stupid knuckleheads roamed the cyberspace and stupider knuckleheads are roaming the corridors of power. Just read the retarded comments accompanying those online news portals. I am not sure whether to laugh or knock my head senseless onto the keyboard except the keyboard looks pretty solid.

For example, you might get news about an old gent who broke his ribs after slipping over a banana peal and knocking his head onto a stop sign, and here are the typical comments you get:

“typcal of Bee En party to import bananas so that innocent citizen can slip and fall…hypocrites”

“Who put the stop sign there? Why must we stop? The government just don’t like progress that’s why! “

“I thk da ol man is fr PKR. F*** BN, DSAI rulz!”.

Note the ascending (or descending depending) level of retardedness there. The scavenging low-life usually comes the last.

One thing is for sure, the current Prime Minister Najib Tun Razak has certainly wisened up, learning from his predecessor that dozing on power will only get creeps climbing up his pocket attempting to rule the country and its people, most of whom have memory power of Gecko lizards.

His 1Malaysia policy, which I myself criticised as old shoe with new polish, is slowly picking itself up with the guide of supporting folks who had enough of bickering among the opposition party members, and realised that electing an amateur cinematographer might be a mistake after all. Still cynical about that policy, I wont’ be surprised if it is going to be the single redeeming thing that is going to help Barisan Nasional (ruling coalition, the BN everyone speaks of) in the next general election. They will be running on 1Malaysia slogan while the opposition parties coalition, Pakatan Rakyat, which is extremely good in opposing anything so much so that they can’t’ agree with each other, goes with “We Thought We Were Actually One” slogan.

By now you are probably thinking, “Waitaminute, Rakesh. Are you pro-BN?” Haha, I am actually pro-I-don’t-give-a-shit. Or maybe I do, but I am not taking sides. I am always a skeptic. My brother and I agreed that the whole Hindraf thing was just a spur of the moment stuff and it won’t be matter of months before they split. It did not only split, but was blown to smithereens. Indians cannot function as a unit, it’s evident everywhere, just look at the number of political parties and “rights” organisations in India alone. For Malaysian Indians especially, three is not only a crowd, but a reason to start another NGO.

There would probably be two more years before the next general election. Najib is already working on winning the hearts and minds of the Malaysian folks. The opposition allies are still whining, bitching, spitting and making thousands of police reports. When the time comes, they cannot expect another Hindraf to hinge their strength on. They won’t have sleeping prime minister to bitch about. They will bring on the same old Mongolian conspiracy, with some weak arguments on policy that they themselves would not have handled well considering they can’t even run a state properly.

Barisan Nasional on the other hand would still harbour creepy zombie parties like MIC and PPP that will definitely turn off many voter. In my case, they make me puke. It still has Khairi Jamaludin, who, no matter how much he has improved his image, still has the shadow of his father-in-law and the alleged doings during the former PM’s reign. But then, Malaysians forget easy, so it may not matter.

A lot more younger folks will vote the next time, and unfortunately many of them have sworn off mainstream medias (serves them too, looking at how terribly pro-ruling party they were and still are) and use the Internet for source of information. These wikipedia trusting, Malaysiakini loving youth are going to suck on to kind of journalism that doesn’t believe in sources or evidence and continue to vote on triggered emotion. What kind of emotion these two coalitions are going to stir at the next general electionis beyond me. But I can see that the opposition was the kind young teen kid that you have given a car too and he came back with dents in it.

BN, on the other hand, is that kid you sent packing coz he didn’t do a good job but is back, never mind he is still limping from all the kicking you did, but still wants to show you that he can wash the car good. Would you let him in? We’ll see.

Comments after 2008 Election.

Note: Well, more of a sour note. As my wife and I was driving out of our area, whereby you pass a Taman which is primarily inhabited by Malays. There is a park opposite, and you see families with kids, and at one of the little hut thingy with concrete seats, sat about four or five Indian guys drinking. Not coke or Soya bean mind you, but liquor. About twenty minutes away opposite them is a humongous mosque. The sight of the boozing buddies in front of the mosque, and in the park where families and kids were hanging around made me mad as hell. That they were left alone says a lot about religious tolerance in this country. I bet these are the ones who would go online under the cloak of anonymity and talk about the government’s fascist attitude towards minorities, religious intolerances and shit like that. Ban the booze and, boy, are we Malaysian Indians gonna be united or what?

Creepy Crawly Caper 3: The Quest for Monitor Lizards.

During the Chinese New Year holiday, my wife and I went back to my parents’ place, a small plantation (known mostly as ‘estate’ in Malaysia) in Johor. Owned by Atlas Holding, the estate is located between two small towns called Yong Peng and Paloh in Johor. We went to visit my parents, of course, as well as to satisfy my wife’s curiosity about the one and only monitor lizard! Actually she wanted an encounter with one.

So, how many of you know monitor lizards? I mean, not in, “yeah sure, I know him when he was a kid, but last I heard they locked him up in Singapore” kinda “know”, but knows that one exists at all? They belong to the lizard family. Yeah, I heard that collective, “duh?!” So you know that, but how do you differentiate a monitor lizard from an iguana? Huh? Huh? Why the sudden silence guys? Okay, listen up.

An iguana is the one that usually found in some bad guys shoulder in the movies with diamonds necklace wrapped around it and is about as aggressive as a paper clip. Wait, a paper clip is much more aggressive. The Iguanas are very thorny, you wouldn’t want to pet them like you do a dog or cat. They just hang around, and, well, just hang around.

Monitor lizard, on the other hand, are active buggers. They run like flash, or The Flash, or at least they do in the old days when there were predators around. You city bred kids are now thinking, what predator? Who want to kill monitor lizards? A pig? A cow? Snakes? Haha, what other animals you have there in the plantation where you grew up in, you mister know-it-all?

Listen up! You want to know what was Monitor Lizard’s predator? Us? Yeah, we plantation dwellers were the hunters. Why? Coz, they taste damned good that’s why? Do it in dry Indian gravy, oh man…heaven!

If you are done puking, let me assure you this: they really taste good. Trouble is, they were hard to catch and usually you have dogs to hunt them down. Sometimes, there are some guys who are quick on the foot and do the catching themselves. If you check on some of the fastest runner in Malaysia, you will find out that they are from estate, and I’d be damned if they were not used to catch those lizards.

My mom never ate those things, she had class. My dad and my brothers did, and we used to get cooked lizards from neighbours or dad’s friends…till one day. Well, I must have been twelve or so, when there was this little monitor lizard which hung around in our neighbourhood. Like most of its kind, it was harmless…if it could speak; it would probably hang around with us saying things like, “got a fag, bro”. So there it was, around the corner, up on the tree, by the drain, being harmless, friendly, and totally non-threatening. Like those little kids you used to bully, remember?

Then, one day when dad was doing his business in the toilet, guess who appeared in the toilet bowl. Yes, our Mr. Harmless “the bro” Monitor Lizard! Apparently, as we learned later, they also eat shit. Yeah, if you insult a monitor lizard saying, “why don’t you go and eat shit, you scaly repulsive creature”, it will take it as a compliment. It’s like your friend cursing you, “I hope one day you will eat foie gras!” Well, times have changed and they are alleged endangerered specie. My dad says that these days they just don’t bother about us, in fact, they would walk with their head up knowing well that if we lay a finger on them, the authorities will pounce on us faster than they would on actual criminals hanging around.

Anyway, I used to tell tales to my wife about the monitor lizard encounters. There was once, when I was going to my good friend’s house when I had one. It was a short cut route to his house from school, a tiny cleared road amidst bushes behind one of the kampung (village) houses that led to the back entrance of the double storied house my friend lived in. Halfway my walk, there it was. And this is not your favourite next-door-type monitor lizard mind you. This one looked like one that was sired by a crocodile that mated a man-sized Godzilla. It looked like a frickin’ crocodile, except my experienced thought me that it was a damned monitor lizard. My experience also taught me that when you see something like this, do what a sensible human being do – run. Apparently the lizard did the same thing, and both of us ended up where we started from, me back in school, and the lizard probably back with his crocodile dad.

And so here I was, about twenty plus years later, back in estate with my wife this time, asking me like every hour if there is a monitor lizard around. Unfortunately, we didn’t find any around, and my wife was understandingly disappointed. Not seeing a monitor lizard was akin to not meeting your favourite aunt in a family gathering, I guess.

On the way back, I decided to pay a visit to one of the plantations I used to live in, called Chan Wing now called Gunung Mas (where incidents cited in Creepy Crawler 1 & 2 articles took place). After showing around, on the way back, as we drove, my wife still disappointed, suddenly I saw something crossing the gravelled road about thirty or so meters ahead of us. I knew it! I pressed the accelerator and there it was, a beaut, slightly more than a meter long, including it’s tail, by the shoulder of the road staring at us from one of its eye. I took a pix, the very one you see on top. My wife was delighted, and decided to give it the most reptilian, macho name she could think of, Betsy.

More on reptiles here:

Creepy Crawler Capers 1

Creepy Crawler Capers 2

4 Job interview “Don’ts” that you may have committed unknowingly.

Yes, you have had it up here with working people, lecturers, seniors, and some helpful blokes giving you advice on the "dos" and the" don'ts" of job interview. You are always ready, but you can slip.

Yes, there could be some serious no-nos you have commited without knowing. “But dude,” you may ask, “I am very aware of what I am doing and saying, how could I have done anything wrong”. Well, for a start zip up your pants.

See? You got panicky there, because you know you can commit mistake. We are not perfect. To err is human and all that you know. So, here let me share with you some of the things that you may have done in the past. Don’t do it again. Please.

1. Bitching about previous employer

So you equate your previous employer with Hitler or Stalin or even Hitler and Stalin combined with Miley Cyrus, a truly terrifying picture that is not going to help you at all with your prospective employer.

I understand if you view your previous employer with venom. Maybe they didn’t pay your last salary. Maybe they didn’t even contribute your Employers Provident Fund. Heck, they might even have taken away your “Hello Kitty” coffee mug.

But all this does not give you the license to spit venom about the previous boss during the job interview. Right?

Why not?

Because it makes you a schmuck, no different than your previous boss. Your, what-could-have-been, prospective employer will view you as a bitter, selfish person who will have no qualms to bitch about your interviewer to others if things go wrong.

Are you that kind of person? If no, why even want to uncoil yourself that when the interviewer ask you about the reasons for leaving previous place of employment. They don’t want to see you smacking the table, having seizure or steams out of your ears. Stay calm, and just say things like, you wanted to move on, or looking for better prospects. Old, clichéd reasons, but they still work.

2. Don’t show you are desperate for job.

Times are bad, you are broke and your pet cat know very well that you have switched to a cheaper brand cat food, and disgusted, it has hitched with your neighbour’s kitty. You desperately need a job and when the interview session takes place, you blurted out pleading to the interviewer you need the job badly to afford Whiskers again. Well, don’t be so blatant, will ya?

Why not?

Look, if you are just moving on you’d be cool about it and take your time switching job. But if you are desperate and you show, chances are you might be taken for a ride. You may not be getting the kind of paycheque your skills, expertise, talent and experience might deserve, with pet cat or not.

If you had issues with your previous employer, chances are you might head onto the same problems with your new one. Why? They hired you because you are cheap and therefore they can step on you. So, watch it, don’t go in teary eyed with dopey face. They will sign you in and ask the help to bring the chain and handcuff.

3. At the same time, don’t behave like they must hand you the job on gold plate.

Of some of the recent interviews that I have done with some employers, they (some off-record and I won’t say who) commented that many job seekers come in thinking that the job is theirs…and it should be offered on gold plate. They want all the perks, privileges and be driving a brand new Beemer in just few months time. Well, go ahead and walk in with that smug outlook of the outcome, and you will still be reloading your bus card for many more years to come.

Why not?

Dude, that denotes arrogance. If you indeed deserve a gold plate, you must have that credential. If you have none of them, then they won’t even offer the job on plastic plate. I mean, forget about the plate, you are not getting that job. So, I advised you to not to be desperate, but show some moderate amount of humility and modesty, especially if you do have those credentials then you will see. Then, the job is yours though you might have to buy your own gold plate.

4. Know what your potential new job is about.

Again, you’d be retorting, “Look Rakesh, I had enough of your preaching. I know what job I am about to do. Duh!”. Sure, you walk in for that mechanical engineering job, except you didn’t actually looked at the first word when they listed for the “Sanitary Engineer” job. No, sanitary does not mean “mental state”. Look it up, will you.

Many have walked into the interview sessions without matching the job title with the organisation. You must have read that you must always do your homework before attending interviews. Some responsibilities for the same job wary from one organisation to the other. And don’t blame your dog’s dietary habit if you haven’t done your homework.

Why not?

Err…you are not the right person for it? Hello?

Hope you find the above useful and hope you have good sense of humour to take the occasional ribbing there. Happy job hunting and watch our space for more stuff. There is a Career Expo coming up on 7^th of May and if you register with us, you’d be entitled to lots of workshops and personal development trainings, and you might even get hypnotised. Now, close your eyes and says this “I am attending JobsDB Career Expo”. Repeat seventeen times.

I can be reached at rakeshkumar@jobsdb.com.my if you need help to dehypnotise yourself.Cheers.

Rakesh Kumar.

Editor, JobsDB Malaysia.

2 Random Job Interview Questions Tackled pt 1

Note: Article I wrote for JobsDB.com

First, I thought of picking just tough interview questions for this article, but I guess that would be subjective. You can probably give an easy answer to the question, “what will be the best contribution you can give to the company?”, unless you give answers like, “my entire EPF”. Other candidates may be stumped. They might go, “Contributions? I did it in church last week…” and trail off in total confusion.

So, I thought let’s pick up some random questions and deal with it.

1. Question: Tell me about yourself.

After all the intros about yourself in social networking areas like Facebook, blog, website, toilet (graffiti), and suddenly you are stumped not knowing how to answer this. Here’s the deal: they really want to know who you are before they put you next to a cubicle of an employee who probably doesn’t like coffee. If you are a coffee addict, they would most likely not hire you. Of course, why they hired a coffee hater in the first place could be baffling, but that’s the nature of human being you see. Especially the long suffering Human Resource (HR) managers.

What do they want to know?

Qualities that will fit into the organisation, that’s all. So, if in your Facebook you describe yourself as “Lollypop loving person striving for world peace by posting various famous quotes and not crediting it”, then chances are you have to talk more, especially your love for uncredited quotes.

What should be the best answer?

Hey, here’s a chance to brag about yourself, go ahead and boast what you can. But…but don’t be obnoxious. Your ability to clip your nose hair without a clipper will not interest the interviewer…especially so if you want to do a demo. Sure, there are fine human qualities you possess, like your cheery outlook of life and your friendliness or anything that makes you a swell addition to the organisation instead of another anti-social coffee hater.

So, chose and present yourself carefully. If you are a team player, say so. If not, then you have leadership quality and please if you want to reaffirm that skill don’t say you are a big fan of Star Wars, in particular Darth Vader.

Good answer:

“…People always said that I have leadership qualities and true enough I have led many wonderful projects during my student days...”

Worrying answer

“Well…I am a good boy…I help old people, especially my parents at the old folk’s home…”

Answer that will send you to the exit door.

“I read many leadership books that help build my character, including ‘Mein Kampf’”.

2. Question: How can you contribute to the company?

Sure, I kidded about it in the opening paragraph of this article, but look at it again, it says, “What…” HR managers don’t want you to contribute “things” to the company, so don’t offer your preserved grasshoppers collection. It’s what part of you that can best benefit the company, and we are not talking about your kidney either…unless it’s legal to sell one to private enterprises here.

What do they want to know?

Look. They are taking you in, paying you every month with the best ability, and putting you amongst the best they got and you better have something to offer to this team in terms of capability, skills and experience. Your experience in killing domestic lizards using lime paste (this writer excelled in it when he was a kid) can in no way contribute to the team, unless they are pest busters. Even then the method is questionable and your team member may not be comfortable with you alternating the use of lime paste to killing little reptiles and mixing it to chew betel leaf. I am digressing, but you get the picture. Do you? No? Moving on…

What should be the best answer?

Think carefully. What was the part your former employer, or your college lecturers, fellow students or seniors they praised the most? That you have keen eye for numbers? That you are a great critic? Note that great critic here means someone able to come up with constructive criticism, not an obnoxious whiner. Use these positive aspects of yourself and translate them into efforts you can put in to make the current team stronger.

In short, remember the question about yourself? Yeah, rework on it and say that these traits will definitely be your contribution to the company. Instead of fan of Darth Vader, say that you will be part of The Force and that The Force will always be with you. Of course, if you get strange stares from the HR managers when you say that, it’s time to switch your strategy.

Good answer

“…I can bring my experience as a moderator during many debates we had in college and my aptitude for discipline to help with the company’s mission…”

Worrying answer

“Why contribute when I can distribute? I love to rap, ha-ha.”

Answer that will send you to the exit door.

“…I know how to deal with people, especially with my hands…”

Happy job hunting. Keep an eye on our website, www.jobsdb.com.my and don’t forget to check out other articles, upcoming events, etc. While you were reading this, someone else would probably have snatched your dream job. Try again.

Rakesh Kumar

rakeshkumar@jobsdb.com.my