KO: Small review

I have come to a conclusion as far as KO’s director is concerned. I think KV. Anand hates us audience.

You see after crafting a wonderful script, creating memorable characters, and perhaps even storyboarded the tight action sequences, he remembered that we would be watching, and sadistically decided to place songs at strategic places enough to get us reeling.

The man for the job, Harris Jeyaraj took it as labour of love, and armed with recyle and sampling machine, he carpetbombed the entire film gleefully with the heard before tunes, and lazy-ass background score equivalent to audio shit.

But we should forgive KV. Anand, besides the musical turd, he gave one helluva political thriller. Superb performance from the cast, especially Jeeva and Ajmal, the film moves from one event to another, and reminding us the event before and why we should have thought of it as unnecessary scene, but we didn’t because it was awesome, and yet the scenes are explained in the nicely scripted twist.

The truth is, its nice to see a protagonist in form of a photo-journalist. When was the last time we saw one? Kamal in Tik Tik Tik? In the era of social media networking, whe world of physical newspaper seemed like an odd choice to place a young protagonist, but it was perhaps what makes the film work – the old school thriller that is purely worked around newspaper headlines.

Kudos to KV Anand for such a gorgeous piece of cinema. Drop Harris next time, Anand. Or we will hate you.

Yuvan’s Concert and The Evolution of Tamil Film Songs On Stage

In the middle of his first concert, Tamil film music composer Yuvan Shankar Raja hung from a helicopter via cable as he descends stylishly down the stage. Basically a schtick pop singers or rock bands worldwide, (especially Americans)use to enhance their concerts. Except, Yuvan is a movie composer, no different from John Williams or Danny Elfman or T. Rajender. It was something new in any Tamizh film related concerts, though similar scene was enacted in a Kamal movie only to have the cable snap so that Kamal can quickly stop his really bad song and emote melodiously*.

Yuvan is too ordinary looking to be a poster material, too short to be hunk material, too bland to be stageshow material, and basically too one-note to be a rockstar material vocally. He doesn’t have Michael Jackson’s move, nor does he possess Bono’s energy, Jagger’s swagger or even Freddie Mercury’s moustache. And yet, thousands turned up to his concert, a mix of young and old, from various background, and a guy who kept dancing with his ass turned towards camera.

But I was amazed to see rockstar level of adoration amongst his fans. The show itself was staged to elucidate such adulation, with guests praising showers on the young composer, and some other pop/rockstar gimmicks. And trouble with old fart grouch like me, I don’t know 70% of the songs delivered, so it cut my fun factor short. Not to mention, everyone on stage has to yell the compulsory, “Come on, CHENNAIII” every two minutes.

What again made me watch with glee is how much stage shows featuring Tamizh film songs has evolved. Back in the 80s, I have seen concerts by veteran composer Ilayaraja or veterans of those day, K.V Mahadevan and M.S. Viswanathan, all usually decked not in leather jacket and tight pants, but formal shirt and veshti (or Dhoti, or some white cloth wrapped around waist downwards, take your pick). It’s hard to think of them arriving by hanging from a helicopter. Well for one, the veshti might get entangled with the blades and create a musical disaster of some sort.

Anyway, these gentleman usually hardly speak, often when prodded by the emcee and the answers would be filled with humility, or in Ilayaraja’s case, very matter-of-fact answers that sometimes misread as being big headed. Guys, he was just being himself. But that would be all. Including many other small time composers who come over to Malaysia or Singapore, where we get the TV broadcast from, give the audience good music, then pack up and take a booze laden flight back home.

Then came A.R.Rahman making sure that his concert is every bit as polished as his audio output themselves, ruined only by the then new school singers like Shankar Mahadevan and Hariharan talking to the audience. A.R Rahman himself took to dressing up non-traditionally, usually smart casual, but remained mostly behind his synthesiser emerging only when he is singing and when he is not fussy with his damned keyboard.

Ilayaraja pretty much stayed away from staging shows at that time, giving way to lesser beings like Deva or S.A. Raj Kumar to strut their stuff on the stage where sometimes you get up to 270 people on it, with only 10 being musicians and singers. It was a messy affair, with musicians missing the queue, singers peering so tightly at the lyrics book in front of them and still miss the words.

The last time I went for a concert was to see and listen to my beloved S.P Balasubramaniam and K.J. Jesudass when I was in Singapore. If the third rate accompanying troupe was annoying enough, K.J Jesudass was busy screwing up the lyrics and forgetting the tune, leaving SPB to cover him up as if the song was not ruined already. It was a terrible show and that was the last straw for me. I’d rather watch a couple of snails making out than another Tamizh film song concert.

Respect for A.R. Rahman who is now touring the world around with his concerts, when not making music for Hindi, Tamizh and Hollywood films, aside I felt the whole film music concert will be brought one step further having seen Yuvan’s concert. Sure, he looked silly in Michael Jackson outfit, he knows only about three and a half dance steps, and often you have to seek him out when towering celebs share the stage with him (his port where he plays his synthesiser was on a heightened platform so you know the show is still about him), but he made lots of effort to be a performer, rather than a veshti wearing composer standing around looking nervous that the tabla feller might miss couple of beats or the flute guy picked up the wrong stick.

Also, never mind the fact that the celebs who talked about him might make you think that when he is not composing music, Yuvan was helping out at the leper colony (“he’s a great man”), there’s something fresh about the concert, even if I didn’t know most of the songs. I'd love to see Yuvan leading the younger composers to give lots of thought behind their shows and give high quality productions on stage. Though I wish he'd never wear the Michael Jackson outfit. Reminded me of MJ’s Bubbles.

*Kalaignan. Used to love Edakku Mudakkaana Sarakku. Now, unlistenable.

RIP Sujatha: A Mother For All

Argue as you may till the cows come home on how the recently departed actress Sujatha was much better actress than the stereotyped mother roles she has been doing the last three decades. Truth is, we will end up remembering her most of the times as mothers to the likes of Rajini, Prabhu and other leading stars who are themselves in their twilight of their careers now.

These stars were icons for us generation X-ers, and their on-screen mother was like ours, and Sujatha was one of the most comforting faces to look at on big and small screen. It doesn’t matter that she was terribly under-utilised because till today there is no place for the Meryl Streeps and Cate Blanchettes in Tamil film industry. You are either Marylin Monroe or mama Huxtable and after almost a decade of playing leading ladies to the leading men, she took on the latter roles and give her all to it.

Of all “sons” she had relationship with, the weirdest must be the recurring non-relationship with Rajini. She played his mother in Maaveran, Kodi Parakkuthu Uzhaippali and Baba, where as a baby he was never destined to be with his mother till maybe latter part of his adult life. Maybe.

In Maaveeran, she plays the typical split-from-son mother, a plotline beaten to death in Hindi film back in the 70s that hung over throughout the 80s. She goes amnesiac, sort of, until she is reunited with her husband and ultimately, her son. Only time we see mother and son together is towards the climax when Rajini is not busy beating up the bad guys.

The same plot reappears in the Kodi Parakkuthu, and this time she goes mute. Brushes with the unrecognized son Rajini aside, the only time the two spend time together is perhaps towards the end when Rajini is not beating up the bad guys.

As whittle down from director Rajasekhar, to Bharathiraja, we find ourselves watching P. Vasu’s Rajini film, Uzhaippali a silly, but enjoyable film, where again, Sujatha plays mother with amnesia, driven away from son Rajini, until both finally recognise each other and have quality time as mother and son, that too towards the end when Rajini is not beating up the bad guys.

Zoom forward a decade and we find ourselves in Rajini’s own scripted film Baba. This time, Sujatha is not amnesiac or mute, but told by many swamijis who spent too much time staring at the snow peaks of Himalaya that that is not her son. A reincarnation of some spiritual guru it seems. So, no son and mother quality time at all in this film where she was even killed off while Rajini was busy beating up the bad guys.

The root of this troubled “relationship” must have taken place decades earlier when she was the main star of K. Balachander’s Avargal, where Rajini played her verbally sadistic husband. It was not a relationship meant to happen, and it didn’t even went well when she played his mother.

But that is a terrible long digression on this piece where we acknowledge that she was like our own on-screen mother. We don’t like it when the sons hurt her feeling, even if it was by someone Innocent as played by Prabhu, or by two-fisted horse-riding gravity defying stuntmen like the ones Rajini played. No, don’t you hurt her feelings. She’s your mom, get her back, Rajini, and for god’s sake, look for a bride and get married, Prabhu, she won’t be around forever. And she’s not now.

The Hub Awards 2010 – Tamil Film Music

Best Female Playback Singgar

Here we are once again, with a handful nominations full of beautiful women who contributed to the well-being of Tibetans. Who am I kidding, I have here names of singers, most of whom I have not heard about singing films I have not seen

Here we go, first we have Anwesha who invested her vocal in Mandhira Punnagai, a film that has nothing to do with Sathyaraj.

Then we have Gurupriya who was used for the film Kanden, which nyaan kanddutulla.

Finally a singer from a film which I have seen and almost wept not because its terribly sad, but you don’t see much of them these days. And it’s Hamsika for Angadi Theru.

Winner: Anwesha

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Best Debut Male Singer

It’s no surprise that I don’t know any of the nominees since they are newcomers. But then this is an important moment for them. This is their first step, the giant step into the industry and then get invited to judge kid shows.

Here are the nominees, for Enggeyum Kaadhal, Aalap Raju. Why alap? His siblings name are Sanggathi Rani, or Birkha Bairavan or what?

That followed by Ajeesh for Goa, Alphones for Vinnai Tandi Varuvayo (VTV), Kirthi Sagahtya for Madhira Punnagai, Raman Mahadevan for that film that stole the title from NT’s classic comedy, Suresh Iyer for Angadi Theru and Yateeshwar Karthikraja for Nandhalalalala….

Whoever you guys are, all the best and stand in line behind more new singers…

Winner: Alphones

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Best Song Picturisation/Choreography

This is certainly a weird award, but considering the emphasis directors put in making sure, and knowing well, that their movies suck, at least the audience gets to take a gander at the heroines’ cleavages.

Leading the pack is Arima Arima from Endhiran, a sequence which Shankar must have spent the entire GDP of Singapore on. Needless to say, Rajini looked awesome in it, overshadowing his heroine, the brilliant set, and those extremely fake looking silicon lions (cost US$3.99).

Then comes En kadhal solla from Paiya, and Hosana from Vinnai Taandi Varuvayoo which again showcased Goutham Menon’s fixation over the crucifixion pose the heroes often project when they are in lauv.

This followed by Iragai pole (Nan Mahan Alla) and Kilimanjaro, again from Endhiran where Aishwarya Rai showed what would happen if the Loony Toons' Road Runner dances.

More songs from Vinnai Taandi Varuvaya with Mannipaya and Omana Penne, and Kamal gets to showcase his reverse singing talent in the nominated Neela Vaanam song from ManMadhan Ambu. Is there anything this man cannot do? Oh, bungee-jumping into a live volcano? Haha, wait did he hear that?

Last two song in the list is Pookal Pookum (Madarasapattinam) and Usure Poguthey ( Ravanan) the latter in which the heroine went through the extreme torture of looking beautiful all the time.

Winner: Neela Vaanam

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Best Lyricist

Best lyricist nomination names are interesting because of the names themselves.

First on is Arivumathi. Look at that name. Which parents would name a child two names that means the same thing. It’s like naming your kid, Sooru Saatham or something. This definitely will go down in the history as the most modest name in this side of Batman Villains.

Then we have Chandru, who’s usually played by Navarasa Nayagan Karthik, and Madhan Karkywho is, you guys know this very well, son of one of the most brilliant poets/lyricists/writers Kannadhasan.

The list is followed by Mu Mehta, a veteran lyricist who have been writing since the colonial times, and rubbed shoulders, palm and ears with Bharathidhasan, and Na. Muthukumar, who would have gotten my vote for being brilliant, creative and a fellow balding victim.

Other names in Thamarai, again another brilliant writer, Thiagarajan Kumaraja and Yugabharathi. Finally this list is not complete without one name that should be in any nominations lists ever, like Best Praisefest Contendor, the one and only Jimpalakkadi Jimba…wait, let me get the reading glass…oh yea, it’s Vairamuthu.

Winner: Vairamuthu

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Best Background Score

It’s increasingly interesting to note that a nod has been given to the Background score direction, considering some Hubbers here spent most of their waking hours talking about how they didn’t even realise that there was none in Nadunisi Naygal.

Leading the list is none other than A.R.Rahman who actually should be banned from any awards, and just mail him the trophies on regular basis bar the public holidays.

Next to him is his nephew G.V.Prakash who will forever known as the boy who sang cikku bukku cikku bukku opening. Next on is the both underrated and overrated Vidhyasagar, followed by the dude who always sings like he spent two hours in LA Airport and acquired the accent, Yuvan Shankar Raja.

Last but not least, of course, the composer better known for singing lots of Ramarajan songs,Ilaiyaraja.

Winner: Ilayaraja

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Best Playback Singer - Female

Here we go again, a list of mostly unknown folk whom I suspect are all ladies.

Or so I think, if I were to dismiss the lead nominee Andrea who seemed to be channelling Louis Armstong a lot. Followed by today's* Harini and highly overrated Shreya Ghosal, and Sudha Raghunathan who is someone, I suspect, who sings.

Then, we have Chinmayi whose chicken like clucking ability induced tons of offers from Cartoon Network, followed by Madhushree who, though she didn’t do the clucking thing, nevertheless deserves offers from Cartoon Network for reasons known by no one else but me because I don’t have a frickin clue what to write about her.

Then, you have honey voiced Sadhana Sargam, bee-wax voiced Saindhavi and Brazillian Bee sting voiced Suchitra.

*lame Malaysian joke, don't bother.

Winner: Shreya Ghosal

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Best Playback Singer - Male

It’s interesting that this year there are nominees who are composers themselves and also pairs of daddies and sons that shows nepotism rules and you’d rather do it yourself than the fee seeking singing chipmunks.

Among the nominees is Ilayaraja, whom previously I introduced as frequent playback singer for a certain milkman, who is also known for being responsible for another nominee Yuvan Shankar Rajawho has fierce “no entry” sign in his studio especially two rottweilers that specialises in ripping apart other singers throat.

Another daddy on the list is K.J Yesudass who occasionally descents from wherever he is to remind the us that he is the original, not Vijay Yesudass, the other nominee.

I am also given these names Roopkumar Rathod, Vijay Prakash, Haricharan, whom I have no idea who they are, which I suspect was plucked out of certain rear end to break the votes.

Also in the list is A.R.Rahman, who joined IR and MSV as composers who also sang for Rajini and yet none of them sound like Rajini at all. Unlike Karthik, another nominee in fact.

Last but not least is god himself. *lightening and thunder effect please* The defender of great singing, the purveyor of awesome voice talent, the symbol of cheerful obesity, the golden voiced, the giant bellied, the Man, the Lord, the one and the only ....
S.P.BALASUBRAMANIAM !!! Bow! Bow to the lord all thee minions!

Winner: Karthik

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Album of the Year

We have lots of nomination for album of the year this year owing to lazy hubbers who has been slacking in their work listening to worthless music and reading stupid award announcements. You have been warned.

Anyway leading the list. Wait, can I say something other than “leading the list”, it’s grating. Okay, ending the list is Ayirattil Oruvan/Madhrasapattinam /Va.

Ending further in the list is Angadi Theru, Mandhira Punnagai / Magizhchi
Mundhinam Paarthene/Moscovin Kauvery

The slashes are actually in the list, I am not making it up. I don’t know what it means either, split votes? Leaning over each other? Shoulder to cry on? I’m going bonkers with one too many announcements?

Okay, deep in the pit are titles like Nandhalala, Paiya and Tenmerku Paruva Katru, the latter title obviously trying to cash on ARR’s fame. Shame on you, you should try to cash on IR’s fame.

Of course, it’s inevitable that ARR is here, with three of his movies nominated, namely Endhiran, Raavanan, Vinnai Thandi Varuvaya all of which contained two of the worst actresses since Kamala Kamesh and Saritha’s sister combined. It’s time you take that break, Rahman.

Winner: Vinnai Taandi Varuvaya

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Song of the year - 2010

I don’t listen to new songs all that much except when A.R Rahman decides to take a break and composes Tamizh songs. But more on him later.

Songs that I may have heard about but don’t give not only two hoots, but three horns, four snorts, are En kathal solla (Paiya), Iragai pole (NMA), Onnukonna (Nandhalala),Pookal pookkum (Madharasapattinam), Un perai sollum (Angadi Theru). Though I have seen three of the films, I can’t remember the songs at all, that’s how awesome they are.

Usure poguthey from Raavanan goes on to show that as great as Vairamuthu was, sometimes he goes batshit insane when writes that the protagonist’s life leaves him when the heroin twists (twitch?) her lips. For the same heroine, years ago, he had the protagonist declare that he is willing to drink her sweat. Excuse me one nimits for five nimits....

...ah...feeling better...anyway, that song was composed by Rahman as he did for the film Vinnai Taandi Varuvaya where two songs made it here, Aaromale a bluesy, folksy, shout from the jungle song and Mannippaya which I conveniently forgot.

Next on, ARR not only composed, but also sang for Rajini, a number titled Irumbile (Endhiran)where on Rajini does lots of Aerobics for the geriatrics. But that’s not A.R Rahman’s fault, unless you want to blame him for the next nominated song, Puthiya manitha (Endhiran), where he made S.P. Bala sound like mating hippos. Who am I kidding I love both songs.

Winner: Irumbile

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Best Music Director

NOV, do we still have awards left to give to A.R Rahman? Oh, you’ve sent for a container. Okay, I’ll read the nomination list anyway.

Apart from the obvious winner, duh, is his nephew again, one Mr. G.V Prakash who kept giving one lame composition after another after showing potential in Veyyil. When was that? 25 years ago?

Then there are names that has escaped me time and time again and are now on a man-made raft in the sea of my amnesia attempting to board my ship of selected memory, namely Kannan (Tamil Padam), N.R.Rahanthan (Thenmerku Paruvakaatru) and Thaman.

Then you have the usual nominee Vidhyasagar...*yawn*... and, again, one of thousand Vijays, who worked for Kanden Seethaiyai.

If I began with uncle and nephew, I shall end the list with dad and son, Ilayaraja who can still rock the boat when he’s not tinkering with the boring synthesiser stuff and junior, Yuvan Shankar Raja, who’d rather strangle himself with guitar string than avoid tinkering with the boring synthesiser stuff.

Who wins this category? If “obvious answer” is not your answer, I suggest you leave the Hub and become member of “Hey, I’ve just discovered world wide web” forum.

Winner: A.R. Rahman

The Hub Awards 2010: Sports

I participate in an online forum called The Hub, populated mostly by Tamizh speaking members from all around the world. You can learn more about it here.

Anyway, every year they nominate films and individuals for awards, not sure they are given away personally, but hey it’s awards. This time I had the honour of making announcements through posts and the best part, in my own style, and here they are in case they get lost in the cyberworld. Note that I am being especially nasty towards the popular one, so don’t get offended. Special Thanks to my buddy NOV (Velan) who is one of the moderators there who was masochistic enough to give me this opportunity.

Sports Category

Best International Football Team.

Yes, I will be your presenter today. Here we go:

I think it goes without saying that Argentina has been the best for many years if not for severe suicidal bombings by Brazil fans in the respective embassies.

Anyway, joining Maradona’s team this year in the nomination list would be “endearing” Spain, “cybernetics” Germany, “it’s not hand of god dammit” England, “neither here or there”Nedherlands, “Pickled” Uruguay, “Folksy” Gana and “we are not Uruguay's evil twin sister”Paraguay. Brazil gets kicked out for technical reason. Okay, that was a joke. They are in. Defuse that bomb. Please.

Winner: Spain

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Bowler of the year

Mods (Moderators) wanted me to announce this category despite the fact that the only thing I know about cricket is that it makes noise by rubbing its hind leg. Anyway, when mods tell you to jump, you shouldn’t ask, “who’s coming for tea”

The nominees are Dale Steyn, Graham Swann and Harbhajan Singh who was last seen reading news in our national TV station. No?

Alright, then we have James Anderson (Sam's evil brother), Morne Morkel, R Ashwin. Hey, my heavy metal buddy….what’s he doing here. Add to the list, you have Ryan Harris, Shakib Al Hasan,Steve Finn and Zaheer Khan who’s either sibling to Salman, Amir or Shah Rukh Khan. There, I just did a religious stereotyping crack. Sue me.

Winner: Dale Steyn

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Footballer of The Year

What exactly is the criteria for this award is not exactly known. According to a mysterious source, the main criterion includes looking good in shorts, but she may be speculating

Since sport is boring for me, I shall not talk much. Leading the list is Xavi Hernandez , followed byAndres Iniesta, Iker Casillas, Wesley Sneidjer and Lionel Messi.

Then you have Diego Forlan, Thomas Mueller, David Villa, Miroslav Klose,
Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi.

That’s about it I guess. Did I mention Lionel Messi? I did huh? Sharp aren’t you?

Winner: Messi

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Batsman Of the Year

If you have just the best Batsmen of all time, I think the result for this poll is easy, it’s Michael Keaton dammit!!

Oh wait, right. It’s that damned cricket again, you folks treat it like religion don’t you?

So, big on this list is Sachin Tendulkar who might as well start a religion called Sachinologist or Tendulkarian, so many eager members here.

Then we have names Virendar Sehwag, Hashim Amla and Thilan Samaraweera. Who are these people, why they are in this list, and what is their significance in this existence called The Hub is a mystery currently being processed by the ministry of propaganda at the bunker. I don’t know what I am talking about but you will get the idea if you go immediately to your pharmacist.

Next on we have Virat “the chicken” Kohli, Jonathan “the deep” Trott, and Ian “Idea Mani” Bell.

The last three names include JH Kallis, AB de Villiers, VVS Laxman, those initials owing to extremely lazy parents.

Winner: Sachin

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Best Football Team - Premier League

Somehow the Premier League has captured the hearts and minds of everyone in this world except the US, which is enamoured by a game where some guys carry a ball around, with their own pair protected considering they are wearing something that’s designed to ram a goddam tank.

So, here we have who’s who of football world. First in the list, Manchester United, which club’s fans think that by becoming one they sit on the right side of god when actually they are more annoying than those damned noisy pigeons that sit by your window sill in the weekend morning.

Of course, you have Chelsea which I am fond of because the literary James Bond lives there. AndArsenal, the poor blokes always get the butt end of the jokes, if you know what I mean.

Then, there’s Liverpool which I am not allowed to make a crack about because I’d like to sleep on the bed, thank you dear.

My beloved Tottenham Hotspur makes it to the list because of my one frickin’ vote, thank you mods. Next you have clubs that earn living by gambling pools, like Blackpool, selling hams, likeFulham, and selling sundries like Sunderland. God bless you guys if you are not relegated soon.

Last but not the least you have Manchester City forever hidden by the gigantic winds broke by Man United, and Everton which unfortunately is so insignificant I don’t know what crack to make of this club, except that it reminds me of Oliver Twist during the porridge scene.

Winner: Manchester United

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Best Cricket Team

With all the excitement going on with the world cup it is without doubt this award would be of a great concern to many Malaysians.

Haha, who am I kidding. Malaysians know cricket like Americans know humility. If cricket match were the only thing that can help disputes among the participating countries instead of guns and bombs, then the entire world might as well switch off everything, announce the end of global warming, curl and die. It’s that intense.

First, we have the usual suspects of the cricket world, like India, England South Africa and Pakistan.

Then we have the unusual suspects of the cricket world on the account that I don’t have much to talk about, like Sri Lanka and Bangladesh, completing the South Asian Category.

Next on are the lands of barbie and bad English accent, Australian, New Zealand and West Indies.

Whoever wins and gets the Hubs attention will spend lots of sleepless nights wondering that the hellSoftsword is and why a forum member would have enough low self esteem to call itself Plum.

Winner: Duh….India

Oscar: Yearning the Crystal Years.

Yet, another gripe from a grouchy old man. Yes, I hated the Oscar show this year, and knowing well I would do considering the hosts are young actors, James Franco and Anne Hathaway. Don’t tell me watch it next year, as I am sure they are fielding Justin Bieber and Miley Cirus or is it Hannah Montana. Mily Montana? Whatever.

For many years, I’d stay home and watch the show. Whether using my annual, or medical leave, I’d be there even watching the red carpet show checking out my favourite stars who are mostly never my age. Older I mean, in case you are thinking of alerting the FBI.

That habit has since decreased ever since they stop putting good (not great) standup comics up there as hosts. Sure, there were glitches when I was home to watch the show hosted by Whoopi Goldberg, but she’s not bad as host as she is comparative to mongrel turd as a comedienne.

When I started watching them live, Billy Crystal was the host. While he’s so and so as a comedian, on Oscar stage he was the man. I have not seen any of Bob Hope hosted show, and I am sure that he was awesome, but for my generation and the generations to follow, Crystal was the definitive Academy Awards host. Steve Martin comes close and I had no issues with David Letterman when they were slotted in between the Crystal Years.

But Crystal was the man. As Facebook user, Doug Long puts it in recently started group called Bring Billy Crystal Back as Host of the Academy Awards, “He's the best of the modern Oscar hosts. Great humor mixed with a knowledge and appreciation of Hollywood and film. His medleys and parodies of nominated films are legendary, as are the fresh jokes such as when Jack Palance won and did the one-handed push-ups”.

I watched the show for the hosts, hoping to get good jokes, a gentle ribbing of the celebrities (unlike the roasting Rick Gervais delivered at the Global Globe, shock and awe technique mostly), the funny song medleys, and Crystals easy chemistry with the audience and us, the viewers. What happened yesterday was failed open mike night.

Not that the duo was bad, mind you. Anne Hatheway was funny in places, did a terrific song and dance routine, but was mostly lost. That was her. James Franco needed a GPS. It was poor writing, planning, and mostly unnecessary yapping. The presenters were mostly unfunny. Hell, Hugh Jackman was not funny. There was a brief relief when the ever charming and funny Robert Downey Jr, and the newly charming and recently funny Jude Law took the stage. Too brief.

And when Crystal appeared briefly, it was like God himself ascended, you can see the audiences faces, the delight seeing him back.

I know Crystal is not getting younger but to hell with the whole younger demography crap. We have the spending power and we control the, err, remote controls. Unless you are a husband. The younger demography thing is a myth. Younger people have an attention span of a domestic fly. I dare to say that, because I was one.

So, please, get Crystal back. We miss him. Go online and see how much he has been missed. I have just joined the group at http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=12738035350, you might want to do the same too. At least you don’t need a remote control for that.

In Trance-it: RIP Anand pt 3.

Follow-up to part 1 & part 2. Sorry for late entry.

That night, the Indian cop gave us an address to go to, namely a temple where certain form of “exorcism” were conducted. Not sure if Harry Lee knows this, but who cares our need err…needs to be attended first, which is to make Puruso eating, sleeping, living & farting human being again, not a furniture gnawing freak.

The cops left, slightly disappointed because, let’s face it, there we were, unruly, rough, young lads of Indian extract and they didn’t get to shoot us. Soon, after they left, Puruso was back in action, and things would have gone awry again if not for Jegan’s quick action. Yes, he turned Kali again and took care of the situation, though he hinted that he needed more stuff they use in typical Hindu related activities like lime, the Kungumam and Holy Ash. The temple would have them all. The priest will take care of our buddy tomorrow.

Or so we thought.

The location itself was interesting. Or should I say, freaky. We had to get off a bus going to Pasir Ris, and it was a jungle. A real jungle. In Singapore. Which reminds me of a question posed by my ex-colleague when sometimes recently I mentioned that Singapore indeed have jungle.

Ex-colleague (reader Gopal here, in fact): Did they have Orang Asli in it?

Anyway, it was a lush tropical jungle with cleared pathway leading god knows where. As we walked on, we saw on our right, a wooden house with two very large, black dogs. The dog did nothing, they just watched us. Did I mention they were large? And black?

In the distance we saw some clearing a small makeshift temple in it. And not without passing some of the tallest tree I’d seen in my life…with eagle’s nest in it! Okay, wait, I am not saying it’s the Eagle’s Nest and Lee Kuan Yew is Hitler, though many taxi drivers there would agree with the latter tag. It was an actual eagle’s nest, with frickin’ eagles on it. Black dogs, eagles, and I tell ya, all those horror films are not exaggerating.

So, there were my cousin Anan, Puruso The Possessed, Jegan the Kalee and Murugaiah the Cry-baby and I in one of the freakiest place in Singapore which is okay considering why were are there in the first place. The temple had a priest in it, who looked like a priest, complete with big belly and all.

We sat on the floor directly in front of the central deity, goddess Mariammal (another incarnation of Kali), and told him our problem. It didn’t take Puruso couple of minutes before he started getting uncomfortable. It didn’t take the same couple of minutes for Jegan to get real comfortable. In shorter period than you can say Arnold Schwarzenegger, both of them were at it again.

Except this time, Puruso was a lot more subdued, uncomfortable looking, but very subdued. Jegan, in Kali form, started demanding lime, and those forehead ashes, and started the ritual of cutting the lime, applying the ash, spitting on it, squeezing and stuff, if in another environment, like laboratory, looks like serious scientific experiment. I kept looking at Anan, making sure he doesn’t go rampaging in the jungle looking for a female elephant. Truth be told, he looked scared.

And then, the moment came. The Kali kept pointing Puruso’s neck, barking loudly, as if he was a canine and the neck was a postman. We tried reading from the charades on many messages, “he got dirty neck?”, “He swallowed a ghost?”, and “You want to strangle him? You need my help?” and so on, until someone, I think Murugaiah, remembered, “You want his (wooden bead) necklace?” The Kali nodded.

Puruso, removed it and gave it to Jegan, and Jegan quickly threw it away, it flew about 25 metres away and disappeared into the jungle. Then, he calmed down and regained his “consciousness”. What the hell?

After serious questioning, we found out that Puruso actually picked up the beads from a beach recently, and yes, he had been behaving differently since then. Something came with the beads and stuck with, or rather, inside him and “came out” when our buddy here lost his cool.

Of course, right now I can think of many explanations to what had happen, but I won’t let science interfere with this interesting memory. And I had tagged it with my late cousin, Devanan and we always talked and laughed about it many times when we met later. Many, who pass away, leave behind good or wonderful memories. But my cousin left me with a suspense thriller with a bit of supernatural thrown in. Awesome, Anan. Rest in peace.

Sivaji & The Sadists: Avanthan Manithan

A followup to my previous article titled. Sivaji & The Sadists and prompted by a youtube link forwarded by my pal, Joe Milton.

There something about Avanthan Manithan, as an entity, that clearly hates Sivaji’s character, Ravikumar. It starts showing a very human Ravikumar, having fun, romance, singing duet and all the stuff a regular lead character in a Tamizh film would do, and it goes ahead to promptly kill his love interest. The joys in the film dies with her, and the zombie-like Sivaji goes on ravaging his own life.

After the death, you will see a gloomy looking Sivaji, as if he saw the impending doom that would climax in his life, surrendering himself, not on his bed or hospital bed, but the very mother nature himself, on the ground, kissing the soil. No matter what joyful situation he’s in, Sivaji didn’t neglect to bring that doomed look, as if he is reminded, again and again, that the fate that awaits him will forever envelop the joy he was experiencing then.

Trouble with Ravikumar is he is a giver, a Karnan-like quality, also played by NT decades back. Karnan’s attitude gave him name, and resurrected him back to his God-like father. Alas, the former human being Ravikumar will not enjoy that status, as he is assaulted by back-stabbing, disappointments, natural tragedies, loss of wealth, loss of relationship, and loss of whatever shred of human feelings he had with him, the only pieces of asset that he was supposed to bring to his grave.

No, it was one blow after another as the sadistic film delivers without fail. First, the call that his ship has sunk, therefore rendering him a bankrupt, and his friend, an ex-employee, had the temerity to invite him to launch the latters factory, which does the same product as Ravikumar’s matchstick. Ah, matchstick. Ravikumar has a factory that makes matchstick, and what happens? It does what it should, only wrong time, and wrong man, the condemned man himself, furiously trying one stick after another, and accidentally burning the whole factory down. Accident? Fate? The film hates you Ravikumar.

Then comes a angelic woman played by Jeyalalitha who would have brought back the human in Ravikumar, only he loses her to, who else, his ex-employee, buddy, and now rival. It’s not a case of from pot into the fire, it’s the case of into the fire and getting flushed down the toilet. If you think the film is sadistic enough, wait till you figure out where did Ravikumar’s last meal came from? Sale of his pet pigeon.

I had never seen a film treating it’s protagonist this bad. The punishment delivered, though not physical, would break a man down in seconds, but Ravikumar, played by actor Sivaji Ganesan who is no stranger to punishment (see earlier articles), takes them on like an emotional gladiator only succumbing to the internal injuries, cutting himself down like the matchsticks he produces and burning himself, like the matchsticks he produces. Not candle, mind you, where you still get residue of wax once it got burned out, but matchsticks, ashes.

When I first saw the film, I was told by non-Sivaji fans that “hey, in this film, he actually acts, instead of overacting”. Bullshit. In this film, he lives as Ravikumar. How else you explain that look of a man who sees the grim reaper everywhere he goes. How else you explain the smile of a man who sees shadow of death at the corner of his eyes? How else do you explain the permanent furrow on his brows as a result of billions of buzzing emotions behind in the brain of a man destined to fail anyway?

One thing Sivaji refuses but often yields to show is sadness. He keeps them in check for Ravikumar, like the secret note in his pocket only to be noticed by the close ones. He shields them away from his faithful servant, lost wife, would-be lover, former buddy, and even the darned pigeon that sat on his shoulder during a crucial song sequence. How Sivaji the actor pulled it off is a question one should not ask. It’s because who he is, goddam Sivaji Ganesan, the greatest on screen actor ever lived. This film need not be a testimony of his merit as an actor, but this film should be remembered as the peak of how films treated his characters, and how he took the blows and went on to be a glorious contributor to the world of cinema.

Back off Bharathiraja.

The recently held D40 event in Tamil Nadu, India, was meant to commemorate the South Indian Director Associations 40^th year. That was the intent, but the whole show ended up as praise fest for one single director whose last hit was when Bush was the US president. Senior.

What ticked me off was a short film that glorified him and began with the line (in Tamil): In 1977, Tamil cinema gained its independence…” The loving, nay, lusting tribute showed clips from his films, amidst recent shots of Bharathiraja, walking, sitting, reading, writing, thinking, making love to furniture, etc. If it doesn’t make you nauseous, it would certainly want to make you take another shower. Especially, when the narrator lovingly detailed a technique where our director intercuts a shot of the heroine 20 or so times with a shot of a flapping butterfly. The insect could be male, but Bharathiraja is not a certified entomologist.

One of the credits often offered to Bharathiraja, who have not denied it, is that he moved the camera from studio to the rustic village site as per the 1977 debut, 16 Vayathinile. In short, in actual location. Wrong. It has been done by the filmmakers of the past, just take a look at Bheem Singh's Pazhani, the paddy field is beautifully shot for Aarodum song. Ditto, Mr. Singh’s Bhagapirivinai. Want to go back? How about the fabulously popular Manapaara Madukatti song in Makkalai Petra Magarasi.

But they are only song sequence, you might say. Actually there are other shots where the director painstakingly have taken the camera out of the studio and laid the tripod on actual ground. The thing is, it was very costly, and labour intensive to take the camera out, and as with Hollywood in the early days most portion of films were shot in the studio itself. 1977 was rather late for “Look ma, I am at real location” praise.

Most of his films are just plain romance themed, love stories, couples from various background and age group facing objections. 16 Vayathinile talks of a forbidden love between a simple village girl and a handsome (70s effeminate way) doctor and a limping simpleton, or was it a simple limpaton? Likewise, Kizhakke Pogum Rayil, this time he added train, classical dance by someone who can’t dance for nuts, and introducing Sudhakar who will go on to be a successfulsmall time comedian in Telugu films. Puthiya Varpugal is yet another love story set in the village.

He took a break from village, came up with excellent Sigappu Rojakkal, one of the very few film of his that didn’t age, thanks to well preserved Kamal Haasan and awesome soundtrack. Not that it was original, but nobody has seen a suspense thriller ala Psycho before in the industry.

Then, it was back to village romance for Bharathiraja with Niram Maratha Pookkal, and, straying a bit unsuccessful with Nizhalgal which deals with unemployment and awful looking costume. The films songs were excellent and are still enjoyed today if one were to remove the image of Chandrasekhar flapping his bell bottoms.

I would go on, but I assure you most of his films later dealt with love between a young girl and a young man facing opposition, with religion, caste or anything Bharathiraja can grab and make it with his own style, where the hero and the heroines crank their collective heads up and down to laugh (he even made Sivaji Ganesan to do it, that criminal), have the heroines speak in Radhika’s voice even if it is Radhika herself and even when Radhika is not dubbing. You get the loud mouthed old women beginning with Ghandimathi, succeeded by Vadivukarasi and the most recent was, well, Radhika herself.

You get variety of characters that seemed original back in 1977, only to turn up here and there in form of other underpaid character artistes, sometimes blown up as in case of the dad character in Karutamma, a film that could have been a lot more awesome if it not the case of Bharathiraja imposing himself on everyone on screen and hiring Raja.

Oh did I tell that most of the films have a central character committing an act of violence, screaming, “Deeyy……”? towards the climax. Followed by another character waiting for the central character to return from jail.

One of the biggest crime he committed was to make Sathyaraj in Kadalora Kavithaigal a wimp towards the end when he started the film showing him to be a tough, lovable rogue. Somewhere, I get the feeling that Bharathiraja loathed tough guys, or probably bullied by one when in school. The toughest guy in 16 Vayathinile gets rock on his head, the hero is a wimpy limp. Any films with Sudhakar goes on to show that softies takes the centre spot, as with K. Bagyaraj’s self written Puthiiya Varpugal where the toughest thing he did was to grab the girl and elope. Kamal in Sigappu Rojakkal killed women, not M.N. Nambiar. Oh yeah, he killed a guy, K. Bagyaraj, a lowly waiter, in the loo. They did it to you there, didn't they, Bharathiraja?

Sivaji Ganesan in Muthal Mariyathai was not only henpecked by mealy mouthed Vadivukarasi, but had to endure the show of strength by lifting rock. Yes, the same man who roared as Veerapandiyan Kattabomman, swashbuckled as Vikraman, broke bones as Raja, shot fireworks from his third eye as Lord Shiva, and even few years before was a regular ass-kicking ageing hero, had to lift a papier mache rock to impress a young girl in that movie. That is Bharathiraja’s idea of macho.

His insecurity is spilled over another annoying trend he employed in his films: voiceover. By him. He has the gravely voice that does not suits his whiny heroes and as a result, in most of his films, it was the case of mouse that roared. In fact, the biggest crime (how many biggest crimes already?) was to dub Nizhalgal Ravi in one film where Ravi already had a perfect speaking voice. A beautiful voice. And Bharathiraja ruined it.

To be fair, Bharathiraja was instrumental in introducing many talents. Actors like Karthik, and greatest comedian ever to be part of the film industry, Goundamani benefited from appearing first in Bharathiraja. The director also spawned assistants who will go on to be fantastic directors of their own, like Bagyaraj and Manivannan who are wonderful on screen performers themselves. Manivannan, underrated he was, made some of the best thrillers to come out of the industry.

Not all his films are typical Bharathiraja mess. The abovementioned Sigappu Rojakkal was one, and there was Vedam Puthithu that presented a searing look into caste system, En Uyir Tozhan, a powerful meditation on politician/follower relationship, and the quiet Anthimantharai, an ageing romance affair which was better handled than Muthal Mariyathai would have stunk without Sivaji and Ilayaraja. Plus great local locations, especially the beachside ones.

Speaking of whom, ever since the partnership with Ilayaraja faltered, so did the popularity of his film despite, or is it, in spite of occasional alliance with A.R. Rahman. The greatest Bharathiraja film has never been made, simply because he is not that great.

Interlocked Action

The New Straits Times carried a news concerning a raging issue this morning. The opening para goes:

(Malay novel) Interlok will be retained as a literature textbook but sections deemed sensitive to the Indian community will be amended

And it explained:

Federation of National Writers Association (Gapena) executive secretary Abdul Aziz Mohd Ali said the body supported the ministry’s decision to use Interlok as a textbook.

He said the only acceptable change that could be made to the novel was to add a glossary for the word “pariah” to better explain it.

This was done especially after initiated by the hardworking, nay, overworking Malaysian Indian Congress (MIC) party, which still does not sit well with the Hindu community, as the umbrella group Hindu Sangam expressed “outrage” according to online news portal Malaysia Kini.

They should be. How could they? I say don’t give up. Most of the protesters may have never read the novel, or most of them can’t even speak one full sentence in proper Malay despite living in Malaysia their whole life. Never mind, don’t give up.

In fact, I have further recommendations to make when it comes to unhealthy use of caste names in popular culture. Here we go:

Ban organisations with caste names

Believe it or not there are organisations or clubs in Malaysia that represents specific caste. And its very easy to spot them, just go through the Tamil language newspapers, they are always organizing a dinner, a tribute fest, or maybe ear piercing ceremony or something.

Apart from representing their community and doing anything for them, like putting up an advertisement praising any of its members for their great deeds, like opening up a restaurant, I feel there is no need to have caste name in their organisations. Maybe instead of _____ Organisation, you can change it to Organisation of Members, Whose Ancestors Used To Lend Money.

Ban movies with caste names.

Two of the biggest Tamil language films to come out in the 90s was Chinna Gounder and Thevar Magan. Blatant use of caste names. And never mind that the latter is anti-violence and pro-education, it has caste name in it. So, what else ban it!

In fact, you should ban any films with actors with caste name in it. And the biggest offender of them all would be late supervillain M.N. Nambiar, whose single name is a caste name. That means you have to ban about 267,851 films. Phew, you have work cut out for you, government.

Ban other books with caste names

How many other books have caste names in them? In fact, how many Tamil language books have caste name in them? Ban them! Don’t read them or try to understand the context of those books, just employ someone who can identify those names and urge the government to ban those books. Act now!

Ban websites with caste name in the content.

Online wikipedia has given explanations to various caste names. Ban them! How insensitive of the online encyclopedia to the Hindu folks. How can they even list those caste names in the online source for knowledge to the entire world!

Get someone to write a search engine program that can track down all the sites, apart from wiki, that actually has caste names in it and ban them all to hell.

Ban people with caste names.

My grandpa was a smart man, he knew this was coming so he refused to hand over his caste name to his children. In fact, his own children were too pre-occupied with Hindi film stars names** to give us caste names.

But there are a bunch of folks walking around with caste names with them. In fact, I personally know some who actually do not have it, on the account that their own parents had similar strategy as ours, but use it anyway for god knows what reason. Maybe it helps with their digestion.

So ban them. Arrest them. Lock them up and make them watch human rights films on the loop 24 hours 7 days a week. Humanistic films like Gorrila’s In The Mist.

I got many other suggestions, but right now I need to seriously talk to my dad, because his identity card says, Premakumaran son of Shankaran Nair. I got my black marker ready.

**Consider some of my cousins names: Malini, Suraj, Kalpana, Sanjeev, Devanan, my brother Shubash and think of 70s Hindi films. And of course, I owe Hirtik Roshan’s dad some royalty.

Note: You must be confused about the pix above. I did google image search for caste, it was one of the pictures that turned up. I swear.